The weather has finally changed, which means one thing and one thing only to fashionistas everywhere: it’s time to shop! That’s right, we’re giving you permission to scour your favorite online retailers for the latest trends, convince yourself they aren’t ridiculous, add them to your shopping cart, check your bank account balance, panic, go back to look at the items in your cart and realize they definitely are ridiculous and leave those items in your cart until they sell out because other wealthier and/or less responsible women purchased them. From oversized puffers to oversized sweaters to oversized bags so huge you can live in them, here are this season’s hottest styles you absolutely have to think about buying but should not under any circumstances actually purchase.
- A Gigantic Puff Jacket
If there’s one trend you absolutely have to think about participating in this season, it’s hiding your entire body under a mammoth cloud of goose feathers and nylon. Everyone at Fashion Week looked like they’d been swallowed by an enormous inflated life jacket and let’s just say it made us want to take to sea. Add one (or five!) of these super stylish pieces to various shopping carts and let them toil there until spring, all the while wondering if you should really spend so much money on something that will make you look like you’re wearing a down comforter.
2. A Logo T-Shirt
If you want to make sure everyone always knows exactly which discount brand you bought your clothes from, this look is the one for you. From Reebok to the Gap, every store is writing its name all over its clothes. The easiest way to wear this style is a t-shirt, so head to the store you’re most embarrassed to admit you shop at, add some logo-covered merch to your shopping cart, and wonder who on earth would go out in public wearing a shirt that has “Massimo for Target” written all over it.
3. A Tracksuit
If you’ve ever wanted to look like Tony Soprano’s trashy younger sister, fall 2017 is your chance! Kate Middleton recently sported a lux custom tracksuit that probably cost more than everything you own, but you can find cheap-looking knock-off versions everywhere from classic active wear lines like Adidas to classic celebutante lines like Juice Couture. Add some sets to various shopping carts, then think long and hard about the fact that in 2005, you bought a pair of sweatpants because Paris Hilton owned them (gulp).
4. Over-the-Knee Boots
This fall, knees are out. If you’re not hiding those knobby, fleshy joints under several layers of fabric, you’re going to look so 2016. From printed pairs to patent leather half-pants, add this uncomfortable trend to your shopping cart and spend the next few weeks wondering if you can pull off thigh-highs without looking like you’re in costume as Julia Roberts’s character from “Pretty Woman” (you can’t. No one can.).
5. An Enormous Sweater
We can’t say this enough: fall 2017 is all about hiding your big, fat body. You’ll find that retailers across the internet are making sweaters so gigantic, no one will even be able to tell you have boobs. If you want to hint that there is, in fact, a torso underneath all that yarn, find a sweater with some weird, unnecessary shoulder cut-outs or one that has a big ass front and a wide open back for some reason. Add some blanket-inspired fashion to your shopping cart, then put on your favorite old college sweatshirt, which is somehow more flattering than most sweaters anyway.
6. A Naked Dress
Fashion is all about contrast, so while most fall 2017 styles are all about covering up, others will make your recurring nightmare about being naked in public a reality. From gauzy mini-dresses to lacy maxis, you’ll find dresses that show off all your biggest Hanes bulk underwear at stores across the internet this fall. Add a bunch to your shopping cart, then realize you could save money by just walking outside wearing that $10 Ikea curtain you’ve had in the back of your closet for years.
7. The Power Suit
If you don’t spend enough time contemplating the fact that Hillary Clinton lost the election to a man-sized mountain of Cheez Whiz, this is the one trend you have to get in on. From pantsuits to skirt suits to lonesome blazers, this look will make you feel like a powerful woman who can do almost anything — except beat out an unqualified alleged rapist for a job.
8. A Statement Top
This style covers your torso like a regular top, but has the added benefit of making strangers look at you and wonder, “What the fuck is she wearing?” From ostentatious sequins to lacy collars that’ll make you look like you’re being choked out by a doily, you’ll find tops that’ll make you say, “Huh?” at stores across the internet. Add a few to your shopping cart, then put on the $15 t-shirt you own in seven different colors and wear every day because when it comes to fashion, the only thing you really care about is comfort.
9. Hiking Boots
The coolest, youngest celebrities are lacing up their hiking boots and walking down city sidewalks like the urban adventurers they aren’t. Head to your uncle’s favorite outdoor equipment store and browse boots that say, “I’m a middle-aged high school English teacher who lives in rural Western Massachusetts,” then realize you aren’t Zoë Kravitz and that trends are for people with disposable income and a confounding desire to impress others.
10. A Huge Fucking Bag
If there’s one item you spend all your hard-earned rent money on this season, make it a bag so big you can move into if you get evicted. Think one bedroom apartment made of leather, a bag so gargantuan you can’t actually carry it, a pocketbook you have to pay property taxes on, a purse so colossal it technically qualifies as a second home. Splurge on one of these buttery soft mobile homes — or just throw your few essentials into your old Jansport and move on with your life.