Shared Opinion: Men Are Bad


One thing we know for sure is that men are bad. Just look at the current news cycle for confirmation that every last one of them is a walking uncircumcised penis with no impulse control because why should they control their impulses? They’re men, and men get to do what men want to do. Every male urge is a call of the wild, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from literature written by men, it’s that a call of the wild should always be answered, and that anyone harmed during the response is just a tertiary character who’s only there to advance the protagonist’s story anyway.

As such, I’m sure we can all agree that men should not be allowed in the workforce. Literally any man might have the impulse to reach out at literally any moment and grab his female coworker’s ass. He won’t mean anything by it! As a man, he’s just doing whatever he wants, and what he wants is to squeeze her ass because it looks nice and she’s sexy and that’s not his fault — it’s her fault. He won’t mean anything by it because come on, lighten up! The problem is that she might interpret his totally meaningless action in a meaningful way and if she’s going to be like that, maybe he just shouldn’t even be in the office, you know? People talk a lot about appropriate office behavior, but one thing men never think about is their behavior, because it has nothing to do with their intent, and intent is what matters.

Men are accidentally bad and therefore should definitely not be allowed to work, for the welfare of their colleagues but mostly for their own safety, which means that women…fuck. That means women should have all the jobs? Damn it! Obviously women want some of the jobs, but all of them? That’s a lot of work! What if…holy shit. What if this is what they wanted?

Well, well, well men — this was your plan all along, wasn’t it? To make women slaves to the corrupt corporate world you built while you sit around and play golf all day. To treat us so badly you’d drive not us, but yourselves out of the workforce, leaving us to do everything! You motherfuckers.

Ladies, they fucked us again — without consent. Ugh that’s so like them! On the bright side, soon all the cops will be women — and prosecutors, and judges — so sexual assault and harassment will actually be treated as real crimes. And that’s not the only change that will occur. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much better life is going to be. It’s almost like men didn’t even think this whole plan through! Women will be in power, which means we’ll make the rules. We’ll run the world!

Wow. You may have fucked us, boys, but once again you’ve fucked yourselves even worse.

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