A Review of Jesse Eisenberg’s Book That Only Vaguely Touches Upon My Decade-Long Interest in Boning…


Jesse Eisenberg, beautiful superstar and humanitarian, wrote a book called Bream Gives Me Hiccups. Jesse Eisenberg is my favorite writer, actor, and sexual fantasy. Bream Gives Me Hiccups is a book of short, satirical essays not unlike the ones you’d see on this site. I’d like to review the book here.


Jesse Eisenberg’s book is very funny. A lot of people are surprised that he’s funny. They say things like “how can someone so sexy be so funny?” And I agree — it’s shocking. But he is funny, and he’s also the most attractive man on the planet. And he might be the funniest man on the planet. Wow.


In his book, Jesse Eisenberg talks about his family. A lot of people make comparisons to Jesse Eisenberg that aren’t quite fair. For example, people confuse him with Mark Zuckerberg. I understand the confusion because he played Mark Zuckerberg in a movie (a great movie, but not his only great movie. He has 331908 other great movies, all of which include him looking extremely attractive). Anytime someone mixes up Jesse Eisenberg and Mark Zuckerberg, I simply say, “Is Mark Zuckerberg a sex god?” And when they say “yes,” I say, “Ok true, but is he the PREMIERE sex god?” And they immediately remember the difference.


Jesse Eisenberg’s book was published by Grove Press. People also compare Jesse Eisenberg to Michael Cera. Michael Cera is also a babe, but I find this comparison unfair because it ignores Jesse Eisenberg’s perfect cheekbones. You can see Jesse Eisenberg’s cheekbones and jaw line pictured below, above, and further above, and further below.


Jesse Eisenberg’s book is written in English. I really like his body. Some people think he’s too skinny, but what they don’t know is that Jesse Eisenberg suffers from really bad anxiety and OCD. He’s too stressed out and anxious to eat food ever, so of course he’s going to be skinny. Also, he’s a vegan because he loves ANIMALS. Also, he rides his bike everywhere because he loves the ENVIRONMENT. So, wow, call him too skinny if you think it’s funny to make fun of MENTAL ILLNESS and BEING A GREAT PERSON.


If I had to guess, I’d say Jesse Eisenberg’s book is targeted to people who know how to read. He has great hair. I don’t really care if it’s buzzed, long and curly, or shaved off entirely. I wish I could run my hands through it. I think that’d be so fun. I bet he has a nice penis.


Overall, I’d highly recommend Jesse Eisenberg’s new book, “Bream Gives Me Hiccups.” Find it here.

PS FOR JESSE EISENBERG ONLY (please stop reading if you are not him): I really enjoyed your book. I especially liked the one about the sister telling her brother’s girlfriend about the Bosnian genocide. I didn’t mean to objectify you. You are so smart and funny. 6466441930.

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