I’m Donating My Birthday To Hurricane Victims in Puerto Rico, and Here’s What’s Included

Hi! I’m about to turn 27, and as the kind, generous soul that I am, I’m going to donate my birthday to hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. I see other people doing this on Facebook, and I wanted to participate. This is everything I get on my birthday, and now it’s all yours, Puerto Rico.

  • My fear of aging: As a woman no longer in her early 20s, I do scrutinize my face in the mirror every morning to check on my wrinkles. I do this even more on my birthday, and now, hurricane victims, it’s yours.
  • My “Happy Birthday” posts on Facebook: This is really generous of me because I get a LOT of “Happy Birthday” posts. Last year, I got 147, and this year I expect about 160. These are all yours. And for those of you out there who say you’d rather have a home than 147 “Happy Birthday” posts, I say: maybe you don’t know the meaning of friendship.
  • Cake! This one might come in handy since you don’t have food. I am paleo vegan right now, so it might not taste great, but hopefully it’ll sustain you several weeks until you get proper sustenance.
  • My friend Jane’s cancellation text for birthday drinks: Jane’s a bitch, and every year she flakes on my birthday drinks. I’ll just forward this directly to you, Puerto Rico, and you can deal with her. If you don’t mind, try to say something diplomatic like “no worries, we’ll miss you!” But also feel free to secretly hate her and bitch about her to your friends later. It’s your day.
  • An awkward hug from my boss: My male boss has decided that it’s appropriate to touch me on my birthday. I’ll just sign this one right over to you. Besides, if you’re cold and stranded without water, you could probably use a hug.
  • Water: I drink water on my birthday, and I’ve heard you need water, so you can have my water. I just need to check in with Goop to make sure it won’t permanently damage my skin to go a day without it.
  • A cheat day: Every year on my birthday, I let myself go 400 calories above my regular amount, as a present to myself. You can do this too, hurricane victims. I can’t actually provide food other than cake, but I can give you my absence of guilt should you break your diet today.
  • A reminder that my ex is dating a 23-year-old: I don’t want to think about this anyway, so have at it.
  • Recognition that you’re a US citizen: This is something I get on my birthday and other days, and today, Puerto Rico, it’s yours. Just for today, though, obviously, and then I need it back because I’m going to Cabo this weekend.
  • The ability to post a selfie and not look self-absorbed: If you’re anything like me, you post selfies all the time anyway, but on your birthday, it’s more socially acceptable. You’re welcome. WiFi or data not included, obvi.
  • A phone call from my mom: I think she’ll understand that I want her to call you instead. Plus she goes on for hours — hope it’s a fun diversion that distracts from the fact that your home has been destroyed!
  • A 50% off class at PureBarre: PureBarre gives me 50% off on my birthday, and now, you too can take a Barre class for $28. Don’t tell me that’s not a steal.
  • 50% off a paddle boarding class: Piggybacking on the last one, I also get 50% off at my paddle boarding place on my birthday. I actually usually like to take advantage of this one myself (you should see my triceps), but maybe you can like paddle board to safety instead? For $42.
  • $100 from my grandparents: Actually, this is the only good part of my birthday, so I think I’ll keep it. I’m sure you don’t want cash anyway.

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