My Policy Regarding Sex On The First Date, To Be Determined As Soon As Someone Tries To Have Sex…

I’ve received hundreds of questions from women regarding my policy on sex on the first date. Do I do it? Do I do it if he bought me dinner? Do I do it with men named Fred? Do I do it at the beginning or the end of the date? All these are valid questions, and I’d like to clearly outline my stance on sex on the first date. I will draft a memo stating my sex-on-first-date policy just as soon as a man tries to have sex with me on the first date.

I’ve had about 80 first dates in my life. Of course, like many of you, I spend the first date deep in thought, asking myself whether or not I’ll let this man take me home with him. In fact, I think through this decision so carefully that I’m often unable to answer basic questions about why I have a large paper clip attached to my forehead and why I mention Fred so often, but this is a price I’m willing to pay. Other prices i’m willing to pay are the cost of both of our drinks, which weirdly I always end up paying despite never offering. Anyway, after much deliberation, I’ve decided I’m ready to make a firm decision about whether I think sex on the first date is a good idea. Just as soon as someone tries to sleep with me on the first date.

Sex on the first date is not a decision you should take lightly. It could alter the rest of your life. Are you really ready to let a stranger into your home a mere three minutes after meeting him? Even if that stranger is EXTREMELY nice and normal and unlikely to steal anything and asks politely if you’ve ever touched a pigeon because she spent time brainstorming what would be an interesting conversation topic? Even then, do you need to think this decision through all that much? Do you, Fred? DO YOU!?

I think decisions are best made in practice rather than in theory. I could hypothetically say that I’m willing to have sex on the first date, but I’ve never had the opportunity to decide, so it wouldn’t mean much. Some men may say I already have defined my policy regarding sex on the first date by propositioning them with sex on our first encounter, but to those men I say: text me back, Fred. I cancelled my friend request to your sister, ok, and it wasn’t that big of a deal anyway.

For further analysis, please read my follow up article: A Memo Regarding My Policy On Sex On The Seventh Date, To Be Determined As Soon As Someone Tries To Have Sex With Me On The Seventh Date.

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