I’ve been on the hunt for a boyfriend. However, instead of going on dating apps or leaving my apartment ever, I decided it’d be easier to just take a page out of Rory Gilmore’s book. She is one of the most romantically successful fictional characters I know, and I figured if I could live like her, maybe a boyfriend would come to me. So, last Tuesday, I set aside a whole day to live like Rory. This was my day:
10am. Woke up in the charming town of Stars Hallow.
10:30am. Called mom.
11am. Ate two boxes of poptarts.
11:15am. Read a book. A thick one. Marveled at how dateable my literacy makes me.
1pm. Called mom.
1:10pm. Checked phone. Still no requests to be someone’s girlfriend, which seemed odd and un-Rory-like. Concluded that perhaps I’d have to leave the house, although this is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
1:15pm. Went outside to the charming porch. Called mom.
1:30pm. Went to the charming Luke’s diner. Ate one hamburger, one omelette, and two donuts. Looked around the diner for potential boyfriends, but no one approached me. Weird.
1:40pm. Called mom.
2pm. Returned to my house to wallow. Read a book while watching an extremely culturally relevant movie and eating two tubs of popcorn.
3pm. Checked phone again. Still no boyfriend.
3:15pm. Received call from my grandparents asking me if I’d like some money. Money’s nice, but it’s not a boyfriend.
4pm. Wandered out of the apartment to look for Dean and his new wife. Wondered if I could get in there. Apparently they’ve moved. There goes that opportunity.
4:10pm. Called mom.
4:15pm. Call from mom interrupted by call from dad asking if I’d like some money. Again, a nice thought, but still not a boyfriend.
4:30pm. Ordered a pizza.
5pm. Read a different thick book while consuming two large cheese pizzas. Can’t understand who wouldn’t want to date a woman who READS and EATS.
5:15pm. Mom returned home. We jointly lamented that there was no pepperoni on the pizza.
5:30pm. Still no boyfriend. Began to wonder why my pants feel so tight.
6pm. Lack of boyfriend at this point is getting very suspicious. Brought up this concern to mom, who assures me I’ll have one very soon.
6:30pm. Called mom, who was on the couch next to me.
7pm. Ordered another pizza (this time with pepperoni) and watched another culturally relevant movie. Bantered with mom about the movie.
9pm. Burst into tears. Asked mom if I’ll ever find a boyfriend.
10pm. More poptarts.
11pm. Bedtime. Concluded that the whole experiment was a huge failure. How could this have happened? I did everything Rory did! Sometimes life’s not fair and/or fictional.