The holidays are fast approaching, and we all know what that means: it’s time to buy shit for the people you love. If you’re anything like me, the person who’s both easiest and hardest to shop for is your sister: easiest because it’s like shopping for yourself, hardest because you’re not actually shopping for yourself — unless you are. That’s why I’ve put together this handy gift guide featuring items your “sister” (wink!) will love.
How fucking cute is this goddamn thing? A skintight black turtleneck — that’s definitely something your sister needs. True, she never wears bodysuits, but you’ve had your eye on this for months, and it’s onsale right now, so you might as well buy it for her, and if it just happens to fit you perfectly, that’s not your fault, right?
2. A Sodastream
If you, like me, have been spending way too much money on seltzer lately, this is the perfect gift to buy for your sister. Sure, she says the bubbles “hurt,” but maybe if she tries out her Sodastream every time she visits you, she’ll eventually decide she wants to take it home with her, and maybe by then you’ll have enough money to buy one for yourself. Wow, this is such a thoughtful gift!
Look at this beautiful thing! I bet it’s so soft. A sweater this pretty will sell out, so you should buy it immediately, in both your size and your sister’s, just in case. And if both sizes happen to look great on you — one fitted, one perfectly oversized — oh well! Honestly, your sister prefers sweatshirts to sweaters anyway.
Remember that one time your sister borrowed your camera? Well, I’m sure she would have appreciated this amazing wide-angle lens! You should buy it, then let your sister borrow your camera the next time she goes to on a trip. If you think about it, what you’re really giving her is the gift of beautiful memories!
Sure, your sister is always telling you that she doesn’t have time to see movies, but maybe if you got her MoviePass, she’d find the time to go. And if not, maybe you could just borrow her card during the holiday season, when all the best movies are out. Then you could give it back to her…actually, all the best bad movies come out in the spring. And then it’s summer, which is the best time to go to the movies. Then it’s fall, when good movies are out again. You know what? She probably won’t ask for it back anyway, and if she does, you can just say you lost it.
Every woman needs this perfect silk blouse in her closet, especially your raggedy ass sister. Unfortunately, it’s sold out in her size…but they still have it in your size. So go ahead and order it, and when it comes, try it on. You and your sister are almost the same size so maybe it’ll fit her! No? Well, what are you going to do, return it? LOL yeah right!
This is the time of year when everyone needs a little extra moisture in the air. Sure, your sister already has a $300 humidifier — but this one’s good too! And more affordable. Give her this one as a replacement, then take that old fancy one off her hands. You’re so kind!
If your old leather bag is so beat up that you’re almost embarrassed to be seen with it, why not invest in this beautiful new purse? For your sister, of course. Give it to her, then ask to borrow it for a job interview, move to another country, change your name and never see your family again. Sure, you’ll miss them, your sister especially, but with this bag you don’t need a family. So just buy it! But make sure you have a fake passport ready to go before it arrives in the mail.