Hello friends! I wanted to formally invite you to our ovulation day party. For the last several months, my four closest girlfriends and I have been hard at work syncing up our menstrual cycles, and we’re proud to report that next month we’ll be ovulating at the same time. According to science, women are most beautiful when they’re menstruating, so we will be accepting compliments on our hair and skin.
When female chimpanzees are in heat, their butts swell up and turn bright pink. Personally, I find this behavior a little on the nose. It’s something my slutty neighbor would have done in high school to get Jake Patrick’s attention even though he secretly probably liked me more. I don’t need to make a big show of when I’m most fertile because I’m comfortable with myself. However, as a female human, I do become more attractive right before ovulation. When women are ovulating, their voices rise in pitch and their body odor becomes more attractive. This is excellent news for us because Katie has a really annoying voice and Rebecca smells terrible, so they need all the help they can get. Come to our party and see for yourself!
How did we sync up our cycles? Women’s menstrual cycles sync up when they’re in close physical contact for months at a time. Another way to sync your menstrual cycles with your friends is to find friends who are already on the same cycle as you. Yes, it was hard to leave my old group of friends for morning menstruaters, but I’m sure after the success of this party, I’ll realize it was worth it. Still, the transformation was not without its hiccups. For example, Tracy’s cycle was thrown off when she got an IUD, so we had to kick her out of the friend group. Tracy, you’re still invited to this party! You just can’t sit on the deis with us.
Anyway, at this party, we’ll be serving drinks, eggs, hard-boiled eggs, deviled eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, and our own eggs. You’ll have your choice of egg-based drinks and deserts, but just know that if you’re not willing to eat all the eggs we’ve stored from our bodies for the last 12 years, you’re going to have to wait in a longer line for food.
As a gentle reminder, we are not holding this party to get pregnant. In fact, we’re really only holding this party to receive compliments about how beautiful we look. I’d like to encourage all men in attendance to compliment our glowy faces and radiant scents, but please, do not under any circumstances approach us for sex.
See you all there!