Even though you’re fat now, you have no appetite (because your stomach is full of blood).
When you finally get hungry, all you want to eat is sea salt by the handful.
But seriously, you didn’t have this gut last week, right?
While out with friends, you think about that bar of chocolate hidden in your cabinet as if it were Josh, the one that got away, except you long for the chocolate much more deeply than you ever did for him because it doesn’t have serious issues with its mother and isn’t named Josh.
You can’t keep your eyes open even though you slept 17 hours last night.
Why didn’t anyone tell you that you were getting fat?
You feel really hot (or cold).
You have a…headache? Or it just feels like your skull is compressing? Or something?
You cry in Pilates because the instructor plays a song you hate.
You want to kill every man you see. Like, even more than usual.
No but like, seriously, you’re fat now.
You wake up in a pool of blood.
There’s a dull, inescapable pain in the fattest part of your lower abdomen.
You touch your stomach and there’s a weird knot on the right side (you slept on your right side) and holy shit, can you actually feel your uterus?
You go to the bathroom and there’s blood gushing out of your pussy.
There are…other things…gushing out of…other parts of your body…OK fine you have diarrhea.
You take five Advil but still feel like your insides are about to plummet through your pelvic floor and plop on the ground in one giant, bloody, tangled mess.
Phew — you’re not fat!
Well, you are, but you won’t be in a few days.
Also phew — you’re not pregnant! Not that there was any realdanger of that this month, but you sit down on public toilet seats a lot, so you never know.
Over the course of the next few days, the bloating in your abdomen makes its way into the toilet.