People always tell me I remind them of Hannah from GIRLS. I choose to take this as a compliment, but I’m beginning to fear that’s not how it’s intended. This Tuesday, I decided to do something radical. I decided for the first time in my adult life, I’d take a break from modeling my whole personality on Lena Dunham’s character in GIRLS, and instead I’d do something else. The weirdest thing happened though — when I was finished not acting like Hannah for a day, everyone still hated me. I can’t possibly explain how this happened, so I decided to make a list of everything I did that day and figure out where the mistake happened.
8am. Woke up early (earlier than I have to — just because I’m not being Hannah doesn’t mean I all of a sudden have a job).
8:15am. Didn’t feel sorry for myself.
8:30. Opted to NOT ask my parents for money. However, I still needed money, so I asked my grandparents.
9am. Instead of tweeting my feelings, I decided to post my feelings on reddit. We don’t see Hannah using reddit AT ALL in GIRLS.
9:30am. Didn’t feel sorry for myself.
9:45. CLEANED my BODY. This one is key.
10am. Felt a little sorry for myself because my finger hurt, so I went to the doctor to get it checked out. I did NOT spiral into a pit of despair and definitely did NOT convince myself I was dying.
11am. Called Marnie for lunch. Oh, wait — I guess I can’t be friends with Marnie today. Oh wait, Hannah would both be friends with Marnie and NOT be friends with Marnie. Schrodinger’s cat — will revisit.
11:30am. Started a gratitude journal. But I did it on Twitter, and then deleted it when it didn’t get any likes. Last time I try to be grateful for anything, why aren’t you stupid fucks reading my tweets?
12pm. Ate a salad for lunch. Used utensils and not my own hands.
12:20pm. Almost felt sorry for myself for having to eat a salad for lunch, but then stopped myself just in time and ate a brownie.
12:30pm. Started writing. This kind of discipline is very un-Hannah.
12:38pm. Stopped writing. Wow, I think that’s a new record!
12:45pm. Didn’t feel sorry for myself.
1pm. Wondered when the article I spent 8 minutes writing would be accepted by the New York Times.
1:03pm. Caught myself — Hannah was in the New York Times. Hm, ok, maybe I’ll spend the next hour wondering when the article I spent 8 minutes writing will be accepted by the New Yorker, instead.
2pm. Life’s not fair.
2:01pm. Caught myself again — life is totally fair.
2:15. I’m going to nap, but just a little before I start writing again.
4:30. Ok, I forgot to set an alarm.
4:45. Did NOT call Adam. Emailed him instead.
5:30. Didn’t feel sorry for myself about the fact that Adam hasn’t responded to my email.
6pm. I think it’s fair to say the day is over at 6, so I went back to feeling sorry for myself for the rest of the day.
7pm. Why doesn’t anyone like me? Life’s not fair!
And at the end of the day, I checked back in to see if I’d gotten any new Twitter followers. I hadn’t, which forced me to conclude that everyone still hates me. Ugh!