There comes a time in every woman’s life when the tick of her biological clock loudens to an ear-piercing scream. For most of us, this tick, no matter how thunderous, can be difficult to hear over the increasingly deafening call of the sea. It’s a confusing time, and deciding whether you want to become a mother or set sail for the arctic never to return isn’t easy. Luckily our quiz is guaranteed to help you decide if you should run out and fuck some dude raw or run to the ocean’s edge, jump on the nearest schooner and never look back!
- It’s 5am. What would you rather be doing?
A. Trying to quiet my tiny, precious daughter, who’s been crying all night.
B. Raising the magnificent sails as the icy cold mist slaps my weathered face.
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A. Attending my very first parent-teacher conference!
B. Staring out the window of my cottage in Longyearbyen, a town on the remote arctic island of Svalbard, at the violent, churning sea, which I will once again attempt to conquer as soon as this storm passes.
- What is your dream job?
A. Being a stay-at-home mom to my three beautiful children!
B. Captaining a majestic barge ever further northward.
- If you can’t have your dream job, what’s your backup plan?
A. Being a part-time preschool teacher so I can spend afternoons with my three beautiful children!
B. Working security at the Global Seed Vault until this storm passes and I can once again captain a majestic barge ever further northward.
- Who is your style icon?
A. Jennifer Garner
B. An arctic penguin
C. Blake Lively
- Your ideal Christmas would be spent…
A. Opening presents while surrounded by my dear husband and three beautiful children!
B. Standing on the dock of a giant fishing barge in the dark of noon, gazing southwest and wondering if my family ever thinks of me.
C. Getting fucked up with Jessica.
- Many years from now, you’re on your death bed. Who’s with you?
A. My loving husband, three beautiful, adult children and my many beautiful grandchildren.
B. Some fish and, if I’m very lucky, perhaps even a whale.
C. Chris Hemsworth. And Evans. Ideally all of the Chrises, actually.
- When you look back at your life, you want to say…
A. I had a beautiful family that loved me.
B. I conquered the sea — until it conquered me.
C. I had fucking fun!
If you answered mostly A’s
It’s time for you to settle down and have a baby! Find a partner or head the sperm bank A.S.A.P. because your eggs are dying and if you don’t get knocked up soon, you’ll regret it for the rest of your miserable life!
If you answered mostly B’s
Get out your cableknit sweaters, bitch, because you’re setting sail for the arctic tomorrow. That’s right, you’ve spent more than enough time landlocked, so now it’s time to say goodbye to everyone you’ve ever known and answer the call of the motherfucking sea!
If you answered mostly C’s
Oh, OK. Well, I guess just…keep doing what you’re doing? You seem pretty happy, honestly.