I’m a big ‘Nathan For You’ fan. I’m also an aspiring screenplay writer. If I’ve learned anything from watching ‘Nathan For You,’ it’s that I should always respond to Craigslist ads. If I’ve learned anything else, it’s that I need to get creative to get the job I want. So I decided I’d just go ahead and start pitching some ‘Nathan For You’ episodes. And just to be clear: not ALL of these pitches involve Nathan eating me out.
TRIGGER WARNING: This is like if ‘Nathan For You’ were an extremely soft-core and poorly written porno. If that doesn’t sound fun to you, stop reading and also what’s wrong with you?
- Nathan must help a struggling bookstore owner, Ginny, sell more books. However, Ginny can’t keep the bookstore open many hours per day since she struggles to stay on her feet all day long because she has a jolly rancher lodged in her vag***. Nathan must first extricate the jolly rancher from her vag*** (after she consents to him doing this), and then she can increase sales by keeping the store open for more hours. Success!
- A young kindergarten teacher, Ginny, seeks Nathan’s help to make her students more engaged. Nathan suggests she try to make learning ‘fun’ for them, and Ginny responds, “well, I’d have a better chance of making it fun if I knew what real fun felt like.” Nathan goes down on her to show her (because she TELLS HIM that he CAN). She later gets fired from the school for relaying the experience to her students. Failure!
- Ginny wants to open a yoga studio. However, she does not have the physical flexibility to successfully teach a class. If only she could keep her legs open for 5 long breaths in goddess pose…. Nathan tells her to get into goddess pose, and then distracts her by going down on her (which she has consented to letting him do). Before we know it, her flexibility is greatly increased, and she now teaches yoga. Success!
- An owner of a waxing salon, Ginny, wants to try out a new type of bikini wax. Unfortunately, she’s unsure that women will want this wax because it might make their vag***s prickly. She seeks Nathan’s help, and after applying the new wax to herself, he goes down on her (after she verbally consents) and reports back that it is, in fact, too prickly. Failure!
- Ginny doesn’t feel good. Nathan goes down on her (which he’s gotten explicit permission to do), and she feels better. Success!
- Ginny makes soap. However, her soap sales are down because there’s a new soap store in town that makes soap in fun shapes, like apples or whisks. To compete, Nathan suggests Ginny get into the business of creating even more fun-shaped soaps, such as soap in the shape of genitalia. Ginny responds that she wouldn’t have the first idea of where to start, so Nathan does down on her (which she’s given verbal consent to him doing) and then relays back to her the exact shape of her vag***. Ginny makes soap in this shape, but apparently she doesn’t have a globally-recognizable vag***, so everyone assumes it’s just an overheated candle whose wax has drooped down the sides. Still, droopy candles are hot right now, and it sells like crazy. Success!
- A newly married couple seeks marital advice from Nathan. The husband is convinced that his wife, Ginny, is asexual because she doesn’t like oral sex. Nathan goes down on Ginny (she asked him to), and she likes it, thus proving that she’s not asexual. They get divorced. Failure!
Oops, did all of them end up involving him going down on me? Well, I didn’t plan it that way, but, ya know, it happens.
NATHAN IF YOU’RE READING THIS: I’m available as a consultant, thanks.