Self-Care — For Him!

Because you’re worth it, bro

In these trying times, it’s important we all take care of each other — and ourselves. Women are constantly encouraged to practice self-care because we are naturally selfless and perfect beings who are generous to a fault, like “The Giving Tree,” but with fewer limbs and better hair. Corporate America nobly insists women take time to focus on ourselves with a never-ending supply of luxury products, but don’t men deserve to spend lots of money on unnecessary, expensive shit so they can feel special too? I say yes, so I’ve come up with some product suggestions for our corporate overlords that will give men the opportunity to waste money on themselves too!

Winter’s Dawn a.k.a. Pussy Cleaner — For Him!

Even though the vagina is self-cleaning, women have been told that scrubbing our nether regions with harsh chemicals is a restorative way to spend a Sunday. Don’t men deserve the same luxury? Introducing: Winter’s Dawn, a male hygienic wash that will make your dick and balls smell like (extremely masculine) fresh flowers. It comes in a variety of sizes: Big, Bigger, Sooo Big, Too Big, Oh My God It’s HUGE, I’m Afraid to Even Try, Magnum and This Stripper I Saw in New Orleans Once. How does it work? You simply unscrew the cap, put your member inside and thrust until it’s clean! It’s like a fleshlight, with hand soap in it.

Clay Mask(uline)

Women are constantly encouraged to clean out our dirty, dirty pores, but unfortunately it’s long been impossible for a man to suck the blackheads out of his face without extracting his heterosexuality too. Enter this soothing mask made of a smashed clay pot and cow manure. Add a little water, spread the muddy shards over your face, wait until it hardens and rinse off with bleach. It’ll probably clean out your pores, but it’ll definitely cut up your skin and leave some badass scars.

Himbal Tea

Nothing calms a woman down like a steaming hot cup of tea, but if a man wants a hot drink, his only options are coffee and his own piss. This “tea,” however, finally gives men a chance to unwind with a warm ass drink. Instead of tea leaves, it’s made from a pile of wood chips, which each man must swallow whole in order to prove he’s not a pussy. This drink has the added benefit of being impossible to digest, so each man can expect to take some extra time to himself on the toilet for 2–7 days after consuming it.

Definitely NOT a Diary

While women are often encouraged to process their emotions though writing, men are discouraged from ever acknowledging they even have emotions. So what’s a man supposed to do after he loses in fantasy football — get drunk and punch someone in the face? Sure! While that’s always a good solution, now there’s another option: carve a bunch of threats for your opponents into this manly journal made out of unprocessed tree bark. It’s guaranteed to relieve some tension without forcing you to access any emotion beyond anger.

Body Odor-Scented Candle

If there’s one thing that makes a lady feel special, it’s taking a candlelit bath. Men, however, are unable to enjoy this luxury because the scents of most candles are too feminine for a real man to safely inhale — until now. This line of macho candles smells like a man’s feet after a tough workout. Each candle smells so vile, you won’t be able to relax in the bath like some kind of homo, because men should only be allowed to unwind while watching football and/or receiving blow jobs.

Blow Job

This is just a regular blow job and actually, men already pay for these so never mind.

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