20 Reasons Why I Will Eventually Betray My Countercultural Ideals and Marry Some Dude
I want a fucking Vitamix.
So I can get divorced and embark on a journey of self-discovery.
I really want a KitchenAid mixer.
It would be nice to dance with my dad without having to ask him.
To get the Pure Barre engagement package so I can turn my ass into a solid slab of granite, which I’ll make into a countertop when my husband inevitably leaves me for a younger woman and I channel all my sexual energy into remodeling my kitchen.
Do you even know how expensive flatware is?
So I can openly talk about my diet for months beforehand without anyone interrupting to tell me I don’t need to lose weight.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to have the opportunity to dress up my sister and closest friends like my childhood dolls (Cabbage Patch Kids).
People will tell me how beautiful I am. Like, even more than usual.
I want to see people cry while giving speeches about what a kind, beautiful princess I am even though I descend from peasants and have always been, quite frankly, kind of a cunt.
I’d get to go on vacation afterward, and not just some regular vacation — a fuck vacation.
It’s been far too long since I got to see my most conservative uncle dance to a Grateful Dead song like it’s 1971 and he’s still growing pot in his parents’ living room.
So I can make some idiot spend a hundred dollars on margarita glasses or some other stupid shit I’ll never use haha.