8 Things You Learn During a Breakup With an Actor/Loser

1) His art/mom’s couch takes up a lot of his time.

Like, a lot. So much so that he can’t be with you anymore or make eye contact with you ever again. That time could be spent on better things, like thinking about his art/mom’s couch.

2) You’re a really, really great girl.

And thank god he told you that, otherwise you’d never have known! Even though you had everything going for you: a job, interests, the crazy ability to listen during a conversation, you had no idea what a gem you were until he stopped responding to your texts and you asked him what was going on. Hooray for silver linings.

3) He’s still in love with his ex.

It doesn’t matter if they broke up five years ago. It doesn’t matter if she’s with another guy. They’re getting back together any day now.

4) You shouldn’t blame him because at least he has the decency to break up with you.

You should give him a little credit because most guys these days wouldn’t even do that. Maybe you should try to get him back… I mean if he’s breaking up with you he must really like you.

5) His true love is LA and no one can take that away from him.

The cars, the beautiful people, the industry he’s barely on the fringe of… It’s the only place he can be himself. He could never make love to a woman the way he once made love to a highway. He also told you that if LA was an Instagram model he’d, like, totally DM her.

6) He’ll always be there if you you wanna hook up.

But you’re kinda over pretending you like doggy style. Honestly, what was ever up with that? The whole thing was poking the wrong side of your vagina. Plus you could never really get into it because you never knew he could see your butt hair. The only good thing about it was that he didn’t have to see your confused face while you two were doing it.

7) It’s not his fault things didn’t work out.

He only hit you up at 2 AM because that’s when he’s done with his shows. Duhhhhhh! It wasn’t a booty call, that’s just how he socializes. You just don’t get the actor/loser lifestyle!

8) The real reason he broke up with you?

You didn’t squirt when you touched his biceps and that really hurt his feelings.

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