Here’s Something I Like (Not That Anyone Asked): Sachajuan Scalp Shampoo

Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Proof I do, in fact, have hair

OK so first things first, I have hair (sorry). Second things second…ugh, this is hard, but I was going to have to admit it eventually: I’m not perfect. I know that may be difficult — perhaps even impossible — to believe, but like most people, I’m flawed. Or rather, I’m flaw, since I only have the one. What’s the one and only thing keeping me from being perfect? Sometimes, especially during the winter, I get (gulp) dandruff.

I did it — PHEW! You know, I’ve been hiding this one and only flaw of mine (except when I wear black in the winter) for so long, it just feels good to finally be honest.

Now that everything’s out in the open, let me explain how I deal with my dandruff so that I don’t actually have dandruff (wait — you thought I like, actively had dandruff? LOL yeah right! Don’t forget I’m almost perfect!). I’ve been struggling with an itchy scalp since middle school, when my family lived in this little cabin on top of a hill that had a loft with a TV, which I used to army crawl to after bedtime to watch “Felicity,” my face so close to the screen it was practically in the television because I had to turn down the volume to a whisper so it wouldn’t wake up my parents.

Back then, Aussie was an exciting new haircare brand and I was eager to try it, convinced it would not only turn my hair blond, but make me the first ever native Australian to be born and raised in rural Western Massachusetts. Once I started using it, however, I noticed some…buildup. For the first time, my scalp was itchy but when I scratched it, it snowed, which was less desirable than one might imagine considering I was a ski racer who loved to shred gnar pow (JK there’s no such thing as gnar pow in Western Mass. We ski on ice).

So I stopped using that foreign bullshit and went back to using my mom’s (much nicer and more expensive) Paul Mitchell shampoo, and I think my scalp issues cleared up, but honestly I don’t remember because I was busy taking the SATs and obsessing over boys who now work in sales or something.

A few years ago, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop washing my hair every day (my other one was to lose weight, which has been a resolution of mine every year since I turned six and realized I was female). While this dramatic change was good for my hair and even better for my sense of superiority, if I went more than two days without washing my hair during the winter, my scalp would get itchy, which really became a problem when I went back to my hometown, where I refuse to ever wash my hair, even if I’m there for a week, lest I run into anybody from my past and they think I’m trying to impress them.

Eventually, I went to the drug store and bought some Neutrogena T/Gel Shampoo, which is serious shit. It definitely solved my scalp issues, but it dried out my hair.

This shit works but WHAT’S IN IT???

A few years ago, I got paranoid that if I put chemicals on my body they would leach into my bloodstream and cause cancer or, even worse, premature aging, so I transitioned to all-natural and organic beauty products and began to look for a different shampoo. I’d known about Sachajuan for a while because I used their Intensive Repair Conditioner for a while until I found out it was full of silicones (!) which are bad for your hair for reasons I can’t even begin to understand but if Jennifer Aniston tells me something, I listen. Still, I decided that the Neutrogena shampoo was bad for my hair, mind and body, so when a blog I like recommended Sachajuan’s scalp shampoo, I decided to try it.

Probably full of silicone but so are my tits! (JK that would be the worst boob job in the history of man)

And guess what — this foreign bullshit worked! And continues to work! I don’t know how organic it is, but it’s Swedish, so that’s close enough. It might even be loaded with silicones, but I decided not to read the ingredients the way someone on a diet might avoid looking at the nutrition label on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s before eating the entire thing while watching “Riverdale.” I use this shampoo 2–3 times a week and it keeps my scalp from itching and flaking while leaving my hair soft and moisturized. Now I only get dandruff when I visit my dad and cannot physically or spiritually bring myself to wash my hair for 3–5 days, and that’s no one’s fault but my own, although I’ll gladly share the blame with a former high school classmate who once asked who I was trying to impress wearing a wool coat instead of a fleece in Williamstown.

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am, in fact, pretty sure no one gives a flying fuck about my hair, let alone my dumbass scalp. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, shampoo or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!

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