Tl;dr I’ve barely gotten laid this presidency.
Hello, friends. Instagram story polls are REVOLUTIONARY. You can put a poll in your Instagram story that people can vote on, and you can see who votes and who sees the story but doesn’t vote. Now, for the first time in history, you’re able to simultaneously seek social validation and also hold those who fail to validate you responsible. As soon as I saw my first Instagram story poll, I knew — I was going to use it to get laid.
I needed to craft the right Instagram story to get myself some D (and I don’t mean the vitamin, which I also need because ew being outside gross). There’s one major limitation with Instagram story polls — you can only have two answer choices. This is difficult, because I think if I were to ask most men in the world ‘would you like to have sex with Ginny Hogan?’ their response would be ‘who’s that?’ Therefore, to conduct an accurate poll, I’d need at least 4 answer choices: Yes, No, Who’s That, and DEFINITELY. With only two, I decided I’d just go for ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Perhaps we could included ‘DEFINITELY’ as a subset of ‘no.’
I then chose what I believe are my 4 most flattering photos that are actually of me and not of my cat, and I made the following polls (final results included). I also only kept the polls up for 5 hours because I do have some semblance of shame, tucked very far away in there.
Poll 1: Anybody want to go out in 2018?
This is the first poll I did. I got 13 total votes: 11 for ‘yes’ and 2 for ‘no.’ One problem with this poll, I realized after the fact, was that I don’t specify with me. But still, I find it reassuring that 85% of respondents like the idea of going out in general. I’m sure the ‘with me’ is implied by the eager, joyous look on my face and the warmth of my holiday sweater.
Poll 2: Or just casually hook up?
Here, I think viewers should be beginning to get that I’m talking about hooking up with me (or else why would it be a close up of my eye? Nothing screams sex just a single, open eye). For this poll, 3 asswipes responded no, and 7 beautiful angels responded yes. Who wouldn’t want to casually hook up with a lady wearing bluetooth headphones?
Poll 3: Or commit to being my boyfriend?
Here, I’m asking the big questions and hoping for the big answers. Again, 3 shitheads voted no, and 8 voted yes. I’m optimistic that 1 more person would commit to being my boyfriend over just casually hooking up; I too have always thought I was marriage-material, as made obvious by the SUIT I am wearing.
Poll 4: Or just be friends?
This one was a really tough one for me to create, because I hate friends and having friends in general. Still, I thought I should give people an exhaustive list of options for how to have me in their lives. I can’t possibly imagine that anyone would want anything LESS than friendship with me, so I made this one the lowest rung on the ladder. Here, I got 10 yes votes and 4 no votes. I can only assume the 10 people who voted yes did so under the assumption that IF they couldn’t be my boyfriend, they’d accept friendship. The other 4, I assume, found the idea of just being my friend too devastating to bear. And truthfully, I sympathize. I wouldn’t want to be my friend either.
Responses by Poll
Next, I wanted to look at what percentage of viewers responded to each poll. As my mother always said, there’s a special place in a Burger King bathroom for people who see Instagram polls and don’t vote on them.
As we can see, a whole lotta people are locked in the BK bathroom on this one. Weird that the most commonly responded-to poll was the one about being my friend — possible that people find the idea of getting to date me extremely unrealistic. This makes sense; will perhaps run further experiments to test this hypothesis, or maybe will just stay in pajamas for remainder of this year and next.
In conclusion, I learned that there are upwards of 11 people out there in the world interested in something romantic with me. This is at least 9 more than I expected! I will pursue all potential romantic leads in 2018. Suffice it so say that yes, you can make Instagram story polls your new dating app.
Someone also suggested maybe people were most inclined to vote yes due to “holiday spirit,” and to those people I say, “fuck you, Scrooge.”
By far the most vulnerable part of this experiment was letting the public know how few people look at my Instagram stories.