2017 In Review, From The Equifax Hackers To You


Dear Consumer,

2017 was a wonderful year! And we’ve chosen you and you alone out of 143 million people to provide this personalized year in review. Yes, we now know everything about you. And yes, we’re generating a customized version of this report for each of the 143 million Americans we’ve hacked. You’re not as special as the second sentence of this report implied. All of these reports will be available on our website, http://www.realgirlskitchen.com.

In the year 2017, your social security number was 129–661–8182. It stayed the same as all previous years of your life, although we’d recommend you change it in upcoming years, because we’ve now published it.

In the year 2017, your PIN code for your debit card was 123456 you fucking idiot.

In the year 2017, your driver’s license number was ERROR ERROR USER UNABLE TO DRIVE.

In the year 2017, you spent $6,031 on Lululemon and spent 2 cumulative hours exercising.

In the year 2017, you took out 8 new credit cards. Lol.

In the year 2017, Donald Trump became president of the United States.

In the year 2017, you got laid by one person who admitted that it happened and 2 who denied it. This wasn’t Equifax data, we just read your Twitter.

In the year 2017, you looked at your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook 5,031 times, which is a 40% decrease from last year. Congratulations!

In the year 2017, you sharted for the first time since 2014.

In the year 2017, your credit score decreased to 540, rendering you unable to rent an apartment in NYC, which is fine, because you live with your parents.

Thanks for a great year! Warm wishes for a happy 2018,

The Equifaxoxoxox hackers

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