Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!
Don’t even talk to me before I’ve had my java! LOL. But seriously: don’t fucking do it. I don’t like it.
What I do like is COFFEE! That’s just a cute, unique thing about me that makes me special and interesting haha. Honestly, if I had to describe my personality in one word it would be: coffee before talkie!
I’ve been drinking hot brown caffeinated water since college, because that’s when I started getting hangovers. Also because that’s when my mom got me a Mr. Coffee, which I still have today, though (spoiler alert!) I never use it anymore. Once I started drinking coffee, I was shocked I had been able to get up at the crack of dawn for so many high school ski races with nothing to rev me up but a gigantic bowl of sugary cereal.
After college, I started working at CNN, and my first regular shift started at 6:30 a.m. (I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I had no social life but I was so thin.). I’d wake up at 5:30 and drink a couple of cups of coffee in the bathroom while doing my makeup. Being an adult was every bit as glamorous as I’d imagined!
Soon, I started working overnights, so all I did was drink coffee and cry. By the time I adjusted back to a relatively normal schedule, I couldn’t start my day without two giant cups of Mr. Coffee. That was normally it for the day, although some afternoons I’d have a Diet Coke (can you even imagine the me you know and love today drinking soda?? That would be like Gwyneth Paltrow eating the kind of food you have to chew! Unfathomable!).
When I got laid off from my job at CNN a few years ago, I was ready for a change (in my coffee habits). I was unemployed for a while, living off of my sweet as hell severance package, and I decided to not only get myself down to one cup of coffee today, but to change the way I made it.
I really owe this life-altering shift in my daily routine to my sister, who is also my roommate. She decided she wanted a Moka pot, one of those little Italian stovetop espresso makers. We picked out one that looked like it was reasonably sized, even though it was a six cup pot. We figured since we wouldn’t be using actual espresso, it was completely reasonable for one person to drink an entire pot.
And that’s how I got down to one cup of coffee a day: by pouring six shots of espresso into a single coffee mug and drinking it with a splash of soy milk. Eventually, I realized I might be drinking…more than one cup of coffee a day and decided to downsize (full disclosure: I knocked the Moka pot off the counter accidentally and the handle fell off so I needed a replacement). So I ordered a little three cup Bialetti Moka pot on Amazon, and that’s what I’ve been using ever since. I still tell people I only drink one cup of coffee a day and still fail to mention that it’s technically three shots of espresso and honestly, I feel great about that because self-righteousness and self-delusion are two of my greatest strengths.
I love Moka pot coffee because it’s STRONG. The problem, however, is that you have to get the coffee ground just right or it’ll taste like either dirt (too fine) or water (not fine enough). So just ask for it to be ground on fine, one notch above espresso, and it’ll be perfect. Another tip: cook it on the lowest heat possible. It’s worth the wait.
Because I only drink one (shh!) cup of coffee a day, I indulge in expensive coffee. My favorite is Oslo, which is available in Brooklyn and probably nowhere else so if you don’t live in Brooklyn, fuck you! I like the Freya roast because it’s dark.
The only problem with my Moka pot is that every other kind of coffee tastes like water to me now. Which, if I’m being honest, is half the reason I only have my one cup a day — because I don’t trust anyone else to make my java. (The other half is that if I drink caffeine after about 3 p.m., I can’t sleep because I’m old as hell, bitch!)
Well, there it is: a whole lot of information about my coffee habits! Now I’d like to point out that I made it through an entire post about my Italian stovetop espresso maker without once mentioning the fact that I’m Italian-American, although it was probably obvious because who but a psychotic Italian would feel compelled to write a such long fucking rambling ass post about coffee in the first place? Vaffanculo!
As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am, in fact, absolutely 100% certain no one gives a flying fuck about my coffee habits because literally no one has ever asked me a single question about coffee in my entire life. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, java-related or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!