I Quit Drinking For 30 Days

My life is a friggin trainwreck so I decided to stop drinking for 30 days. I mean, things were pretty bad but not so bad that they couldn’t be fixed in 30 days. Truly the only thing holding me back was a little bit of drinking but mostly in a way where I was like, if I quit for 30 days I’ll have more productive mornings and some extra money. Having time to do laundry plus the money to do some laundry was a real motivation for me to quit drinking for 30 days. Here’s a look back at the best 30 days of my life:

Day 1: Day one was a Monday and Mondays are easy for me, I’m sort of like a reverse Garfield in that way. Not drinking on a Monday was barely even a challenge.

Day 5: Honestly the first week FLEW by. I barely even noticed that I wasn’t drinking I just went to my job and people just stared as I walked in on time because I was straight up glowing. Not drinking has left me the time to wash my face in the morning and I really see why people subscribe to that 12 step skincare program. One step has changed my life — imagine what I’d look like with 12!

Day 6: I had a few drinks because it was the office holiday party and my no-drinking plan was mostly about saving money and since it was free I’m still achieving my goal.

Day 9: Still glowing, still grateful. I’m a little busy because I went to an appointment at the gym to see if it was a good gym for me. Getting ready for the gym meeting took a while and then they talked so much and I just don’t really feel like I have time in my life to listen to people talk right now so I decided to not join the gym.

Day 11: I had a date and after I told him about how lucky he was to catch me during such a glowy time. We ordered a bunch of drinks because I assumed they’d be free and therefore within my goal. Then, you will not believe this, the check came and he was like, “should we go 50/50?” The joke’s on him because since he made me split the bill I only went to second base which is actually LESS than 50% if you think about it.

Day 14: My friends and I went to a movie and it was so boring. Usually when we see movies I bring airplane bottles of liquor and they bring the snacks. They didn’t let me have any snacks because I didn’t pull my weight and I found out that I hate movies. I would include some Star Wars spoilers here if I remembered the movie at all.

Day 15: Since all I did last night was sit in a dark room while spiderman did backflips or some shit I was up in plenty of time to do laundry. I went to the laundromat and found out that you’re supposed to bring your own detergent and stuff so I just gave all my laundry to the guy and he said I could come back tomorrow.

Day 18: Shit I need to go get my laundry. Also, turns out the movie we saw was about a lady and a fish.

Day 22: I went out dancing with my friend Mike and he asked me to hold his drink while he went to the bathroom so I finished it and left he’s so annoying.

Day 30: Honestly I feel like I learned so much about myself. These 30 days were straight up illuminating and I feel like I can buy socks with dogs on them with the money I saved from not drinking. My friends are taking me out tonight to this party with an open bar to celebrate my achievements and I’m gonna slap a Christmas tree.

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