Apple Introduces the iUD

Apple today introduced its newest product, the iUD, the world’s first-ever iUD with wifi capabilities. The iUD is packed with web-browsing capabilities and hormones that will prevent unwanted pregnancies while still seamlessly syncing all your data to your iCloud account.

The Apple iUD weaves simplicity and technology together to reinvent the birth control experience. The iUD offers automatic tracking services so that you never forget a sexual partner. Anytime you let someone new in downstairs, the iUD automatically logs their fingerprint and saliva count. If your new sexual partner doesn’t put their tongue down there, the iUD reminds you to ask them to politely. If they still don’t, the iUD reminds you to give up and stop asking.

The iUD is the first-ever Apple product that’s resistant to not only water but also girl-cum and squirting. What type of liquid is squirting, you ask? No one really knows, but the iUD was tested with urine from Very Happy Females (VHF), so the company is confident that it’s squirt-resistant.

“The Apple iUD is the best product we’ve ever made,” says Apple’s Chief of Design, “Not only does it offer birth control at a time when many women are worried about losing access to it, but it also allows Apple to get to know our customers better. Much, much better,” he said with a cynical laugh. “Just kidding, we already kinda knew when all of you were having sex because you put your phones down for a whole 12 to 1.5 minutes.”

Additional features for the Apple iUD include:

  • Immersive stereo speakers. If your sexual partner doesn’t bring a baby-making playlist, the iUD will automatically start playing your iTunes library on shuffle out your uterus. Neat, right?
  • Automatic sync with calendar so you know when you’re about to menstruate, when you are menstruating, when you’re not menstruating, and when your body would be menstruating if you didn’t inject yourself with hormones so that men don’t have to wear condoms aka SHOWER IN A RAINCOAT.
  • Access to your iPhone’s emojis so you can use them instead of words to communicate with your sexual partners.
  • Longer battery life. The iUD battery lasts approximately 1 month, which is 3–10 years shorter than other iUDs on the market, but those ones don’t offer emojis. If you need help inserting or removing your iUD, Apple has hired geniuses specifically trained for the iUD. While not technically ‘doctors,’ the geniuses working with the iUD have been told to ‘yank gently’ upon removal and ‘offer a stress ball’ for insertion, so Apple is confident that the process will be seamless.
  • A success rate of about 78% for preventing pregnancies. Again, this is less than other iUDs on the market, but the iUD will automatically sync to your iCloud account and let Apple know that we’re ready to start selling you a child-friendly iPad. What a perk, amiright?
  • Automatic software updates that will render your iUD unusable for 4–19 hours every three weeks.
  • Family plan. If you lose your iUD but your sister has a free upgrade, you can just take hers! Sorry, sister!

When you buy your Apple iUD, you will also get a complimentary set of headphones for the iPhone 7. These are not compatible with the Apple iUD or really any other product that’s ever existed except the iPhone 7. The Apple iUD comes in silver, gold, rose gold, pink, and vagina pink. The iUD is not covered by any insurance, because Apple likes to stay at least 2 weeks ahead of the rest of the market.

Disclaimer: The Apple iUD was designed exclusively by men.

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