Facebook’s Newest Feature Reveals to You (And Everyone Else) Your True Love

Hello from Facebook! My name is Benny, and I’m here to tell you about the new feature we’ll be rolling out this upcoming February.

The new feature, which we’re calling “Loves Me, Loves Me Not,” will allow us to tell you who it is you’re truly in love with based on an algorithm that 1) counts the number of times you type that special someone’s name into the search bar, and 2) matches that with how often you then immediately delete your browser’s cookies.

There are other factors involved in the algorithm, such as how much time you spend on that person’s Timeline and just how far down you end up scrolling.

Find yourself reading status updates from 2014? You might just be in love. But the most important factor in the algorithm is how often you delete your history afterwards, because nothing says “I have seriously, seriously intense feelings about you,” like the all-consuming fear of being caught.

So quit fooling yourself! Even if you’ve been denying it for years, Facebook is here to tell you (and everyone else) exactly who your true love is.

Just like with Friendiversary videos, you will have the option to share this information on your News Feed with friends who haven’t unsubscribed from all of your posts.

The video in this case will be a fun, quirky, fast-paced montage of every time you’ve gone to that person’s Facebook and clicked those same two or three photos you just couldn’t get out of your head. Are you a zoom-in kind of guy or gal? There will be a compilation of that in the video too. It’s important your true love knows exactly what it is about them you like so much.

It should be noted that participating in this new feature is in no way necessary. However, as a general rule, you won’t be allowed to turn it off.

On your Timeline, there will be a button your so-called friends can click to “See [First Name]’s True Love.”

The three Security setting options for this new feature are: 1) Friends only, 2) Everyone, and 3) Purchase Facebook ad. The third option will allow you to broadcast your true feelings to people beyond your immediate circles.

Grand gestures are important in the world of romantic pursuits, and there’s nothing grander than screaming out to two billion strangers in all caps that your cyber-stalking is not, in fact, a sign of obsession, but pure, unadulterated love.

The developers of “Loves Me, Loves Me Not,” believe that when we lose touch with our feelings by constantly lying to ourselves, the truth creeps out of us in dark, unexpected ways — like those gross, pale plants that grow in caves. You certainly never expected to be in a Starbucks’ bathroom feverishly swiping through every single one of your ex-boyfriend’s older brother’s photos again, did you?

You’re just like one of those gross cave plants. And Facebook wants to bring you back to the light.

Here at Facebook, we believe that sharing is caring. We also believe that there isn’t a single facet of your life that can’t be sold to advertisers.

In this day and age, the truth is hard to come by, so we’ve gone ahead and just dug it all up for you. When February rolls around, go ahead: share that video, tell the world how you really feel! We’re sure your true love will appreciate the honesty.

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