I Worked Hard All Year Just so I Could Post this Self-Congratulatory Message on Social Media

Me on my grind wow look how amazing I am tell me I’m industrious tell me I’m pretty worship me please worship me. Photo credit: Jennifer Walkowiak

Wow, 2017 has been a crazy year for the world — and an even crazier year for me. As I look back on these past 12 months, I don’t think about the fact that a vile, disgusting, corrupt, racist pervert became our president, emboldening actual fucking Nazis to come out from behind their computers and march through our streets. I don’t think about how nearly every man with money and power was outed as the creep we always suspected he was. I don’t even think about the modest rise and catastrophic fall of Countess LuAnn de Lesseps-D’Agostino. No, when I look back on 2017, I think about myself and all that I accomplished, which I will now tell you about in great detail.

I got funnier. You may think that’s impossible considering the wide-held and correct belief that a person is either born funny or not, and that the only thing that can be improved upon is one’s ability to express one’s own sense of humor — but you’re wrong. I managed to actually get funnier without improving at my craft, and that’s not easy.

I wrote every. single. day. Some days I only wrote one joke. Other days I wrote my phone number on bar napkin which I then slid under my drink so I could watch the ink bleed and fade into nothingness like my chances of ever finding real love. After all that work, I’m now proud to call myself the author of four decent jokes and 63 extremely detailed grocery lists.

I filmed a web series. Yeah, I accidentally deleted all five minutes of footage before I had a chance to edit it or anything, but the point is that I started something, not that I didn’t finish it.

I got (mentioned in a piece) published by my favorite website. It doesn’t matter what it was about (people who should get off Twitter and seek mental health treatment), my name was on that fucking website and that’s a fucking byline, got it? (I think? I’m not totally clear on what a byline is, to be honest.)

I talked about doing Pilates. I also did Pilates, but I had much more success talking about it.

I had sex. If you don’t like hearing that, who are you — my dad? (Dad, please stop reading.) I know sex has nothing do with work, but I think it’s important everyone knows that on top of working so hard at my career, I’m out there getting fucked once a year like a grown ass woman.

I read a book. Yeah, it was Twilight and yeah, I’ve already read it 16 times, but I read it again, cover to cover, and it only took me six months so suck it (pun intended lol! See? I really have gotten funnier).

I quit my job. No, I didn’t get another one, and sure, I’m going broke, but I quit my fucking job and I did look back but they wouldn’t take me back help.

I started taking supplements. I’m now up to six a day. That may seem like a cry for help, but guess what? It is.

I wrote this post. So this counts as my writing for the day, although if I’m being honest I’ve been working on a draft of this since March. Making sure everyone knows how great you are is a lot of work!

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