The Best Movies of 2017, According to Me

Me, a serious film critic JK why do I look like I have a lazy eye

Am I a movie critic? No. Are you? Exactly, so drop the attitude. I may not be a professional, but I have MoviePass and I know how to fucking use it (although it took me a few tries, to be honest). I’m also one of those women you hear about who has a lot of opinions, so here’s what are, in my opinion, the best movies that came out in 2017.

17. 50 Shades Darker
Incredible when viewed as a comedy DON’T JUDGE ME.

16. Dunkirk

15. Gifted
I loved this movie fuck you.

14. The trailer for A Fantastic Woman
I haven’t seen this movie yet but I’m going to love it so much!

13. Battle of the Sexes

12. The Florida Project
Is this movie a beautiful, powerful, incredible work of art? Yes. Is it also a huge fucking bummer? Absolutely.

11. Table 19
I loved this movie, and if you think that makes me stupid, you might be right. This was probably the best movie-going experience I had all year. I laughed, I didn’t cry, I laughed again. Is it a good movie? No. Is it a great movie? Yes. It’s my favorite kind of movie: a bad one that’s actually good!

10. The Disaster Artist

9. Get Out
A truly incredible film! Plus, a success for the Peele-Peretti family is a success for all of us who’ve listened to every episode of “Call Chelsea Peretti” at least five times!

8. I, Tonya
It was weird to see my life story on film, but I loved it! Points deducted for failing to cast Anne Hathaway in the role she was born to play: Nancy Kerrigan.

7. Girls Trip
FUNNY! Tiffany Haddish gave the performance of the year. The only reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because I think Regina Hall is probably the best comedic actress working today so though she was amazing as always, I was a little disappointed she was the straight-woman. If they make a sequel, she better get to deep throat some fucking produce.

6. Phantom Thread
By far the strangest workplace romantic comedy I’ve ever seen but like, in a good way.

5. Brigsby Bear
I saw this movie in theaters twice and I won’t apologize for it so everyone please stop asking me to.

4. Call Me By Your Name
I was probably more excited to see this movie than any other this year, but to my surprise I walked out of the theater feeling a little let down. I liked it, but didn’t love it quite as much as I wanted to. However, three weeks later I’m still listening to Sufjan Stevens on loop and staring into a crackling fire. So I guess, based on the fact that I’ve been completely and utterly unable to move on with my life since seeing it, I really loved this movie!

3. Personal Shopper
Kristen Stewart is a good actress DEAL WITH IT, especially when she works with Olivier Assayas. This time, they made a fascinating, haunting movie about grief that has stuck with me for nine months and counting.

2. Lady Bird
I loved this movie so much I started listening to Dave Matthews Band again, enough said. Oh actually I need to say one more thing: Beanie Feldstein is a STAR.

1. A Ghost Story
OK now I’m going to get serious (sorry). I saw this movie on a hot, muggy day in the middle of summer, the kind of day when all you can do is sweat and complain (two things I excel at). I was in Manhattan with time to kill, and I needed to be in air conditioning, so I decided to go to the Landmark Sunshine and see whatever was playing, which happened to be this movie. I’d never heard of it, but saw that it had good reviews and read just enough about it to find out it wasn’t actually a horror movie (I’m a little pussy ass bitch when it comes to scary movies).

Like Personal Shopper, this is a film about grief and a ghost, but it’s very different. Am I happy that my favorite movie of the year stars perv Casey Affleck? Of course not, but it’s Rooney Mara who gives the truly devastating performance. There’s a scene involving her character and a pie that’s one of the most honest and disturbing things I’ve ever seen on film. It’s hard for me to explain why I loved A Ghost Story because my experience of it was so deeply emotional. It didn’t so much make me think as evoke a feeling, one too personal to put into words.

I’ve since wondered if this movie would have affected me so much if I hadn’t seen it under such particular circumstances, but I suspect it would have. Even though it was a so hot out, I sat in that almost empty theater shivering. It gave me a chill that I’m unable to shake even now, all these months later. It made me feel, for the first time in a long, long time, like my mother was right next to me. Like she could be anywhere.

When I left the theater, it was just after 6 p.m. but it was already dark out. A storm was coming. I biked up Avenue B to an open mic (I’m a comedian, in case you couldn’t tell lolololol!), the humidity wrapped around my body like a sheet. I’ve never had such a difficult time adjusting back to reality after seeing a movie. It made me feel the way music does sometimes, when I become obsessed with a song and listen to it on loop, living for a few days or weeks through the lens of a strange new melody. This isn’t a horror movie, but I’ve never been so spooked.

I don’t know if I’ll ever watch this movie again. I might prefer to preserve it in my mind as this surreal experience I once had on a hot summer afternoon, when I briefly wandered out of my own life and into another strange world where things I’d given up on long ago suddenly seemed possible again.

Anyway, you should see it. But you’ve been warned — it’s intense.

Here are some other movies I liked: Beatriz at Dinner, Good Time, The Lost City of Z, Ingrid Goes West

And here are some movies I hated: Three Billboards, Columbus, Baby Driver, Three Billboards (just wanted to reiterate)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s