If News Articles Cited The Subject’s Weight Instead of Age, And The Implications For Our (Always)…

Top stories for this morning:

  • President Trump, 235, says he has an absolute right to control the Department of Justice, noting that the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 elections made the country look “very bad.”
  • Melania Trump, 130, will have her darkest secrets revealed in an upcoming tell-all about the White House.
  • Present Trump, now 237, was reportedly distraught to hear that his wife was ‘in the 130s,’ stating publicly, “well, they can’t stay 10s forever.” He still finds this preferable to reporting her (shudder) age.
  • Melania Trump, now 128, has been frequenting a CrossFit studio in Washington D.C.
  • Paul Ryan, 180, hasn’t done anything newsworthy today but wanted us to publish his weight.
  • President Trump, now 239, has self-reported that he’s “in the best shape of his life”, and “in better shape than any of you losers,” and “feels like he’s 25 again” and “looks like he’s 25 again” and “is physically attractive to 25-year-old women again” and “has always been physically attractive to 25-year-old women.” This is based on a physical examination given to him by Jared Kushner, 185.
  • President Trump, now 240, reminded us all via Twitter that the obesity epidemic in America was especially bad for the poor, brave men who are forced to look at fat women.
  • New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, ERROR ERROR — MAXIMUM EXCEEDED, has supported the federal tax law to cut deductions on state and local taxes, even though this would, of course, hurt most New Jersey residents, and most US citizens.
  • President Trump, now 241, retweeted a tweet stating that he’s never seen a thin woman drinking a diet coke. Trump was reportedly drinking a diet coke at time of retweet.
  • President Trump, now 242, prepares to roll back Obama’s (175 and perfect) healthcare plan and all healthcare in general, saying “if everyone just adopted my lifestyle, we’d all be in great shape.”
  • President Trump, now 243, has lashed out against CNN, stating that all their female news anchors are “fat cunts.”
  • President Trump, now 244, has decided to take a break from his presidential duties to sit down and relax for a few days.

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