Wow, beauty standards are really changing. I’m all about body positivity, and accepting bodies of different sizes. I like the idea that bodies we didn’t used to think are beautiful are now considered beautiful. I’m just a little confused about the new beauty standards though — under these new standards, who’s considered ugly? Where do these standards come from? Who gets to decide what beauty standards are? Is this something decided by a committee? And could I get on that committee?
When this committee meets, I’m going to make sure they cover the subject of nose twitches. Nose twitches, I think we can all agree, are fucking adorable. What’s not absolutely precious about an adult woman with the mannerisms of a bunny rabbit? I hate so say this, but the idea that nose twitches aren’t cute is perpetuated by THE PATRIARCHY. For far too long, conventional beauty standards have ignored or even shunned women with nose twitches, and it’s time for that to end.
I have some other ideas for what we should consider conventionally attractive. While I’m all about the idea that plus sizes are beautiful, I think the most beautiful clothing size should definitely be a 6 on a good day, realistically an 8, 4 for yoga pants because they stretch and looking at the number makes me feel good about myself, and sometimes higher sizes but that’s irrelevant because if it’s any higher I’ll just cut the tag off. That just feels like the most attractively-sized person, I don’t know? What do you think?
Let’s talk about hair color. It seems like we used to only like blondes — let’s keep it that way. But no natural blondes. Natural blondes are freaks whose grandparents were probably siblings. We need L’Oreal blondes. Specifically the $8.99 champagne blonde on Amazon. That’s just like, so pretty, right? And maybe everyone should cut their own bangs because that gives a face personality.
Also — let’s bring back bags under the eyes. Bags show us that a person WORKS HARD or at the very least SUFFERS FROM INSOMNIA. What’s not beautiful about a survivor?
Um, also, when we sit down as a committee, let’s get rid of the idea that acne isn’t beautiful. What’s not beautiful about it? It just adds color to your face. Also I think we should consider it really attractive if a woman turns bright red easily and for no apparently reason. That’s just cute, you know? And from now on, it should be considered very sexy.
Also, we should say that women are EXTREMELY beautiful if they have really long eyelashes in the two weeks after getting their fake eyelashes attached, but then return to having basically no eyelashes. Variety is the spice of life, and women with varied eyelash-lengths really provide more.
Ok, next, let’s say women are only beautiful if they do stand up comedy, have 2 sisters and 1 brother, have the middle name ‘Alice,’ and used to own a chinchilla. I know these seem arbitrary and unrelated to the way a person looked, but they actually make a lot of sense, because those things are true about me.
Wow! I’d make a great committee member. Please consider appointing me.