Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!
Today, I’d like to tell you about my adventures in denim. I was a fat kid (obviously), so I wore elastic waist jeans until high school (gulp). In 6th grade, I vividly remember one girl in my class having what I considered to be “cool jeans.” Unlike my dorky denim sweatpants, hers had wide legs and fit her like, well, a woman’s jeans. I was so jealous that, even though I knew I could never in a million years pull them off, I vowed to one day pour myself into my very own pair of cool jeans.
It took until about a year ago, and I’m…actually never mind how old I am haha (SHUT UP).
I went to high school during the infamous flare years, when you weren’t cool unless the hem of your jeans completely covered your high heel boots and collected mud even when you were inside. In college, I graduated to bootcut, which was barely better. I now acknowledge that both of these styles look bad on almost everyone, and that even when they look good on someone, any other cut would look better. Hourglass figures are one thing, but hourglass legs? Your time’s up! (LOL.)
Right after I graduated from college, skinny jeans became popular. It took me a while to adjust to this new shape. I wore bootcut jeans much longer than I should have, but so did Jennifer Aniston! Eventually I got used to skinny jeans, but let’s be real: tight pants are uncomfortable. A few years ago, the “boyfriend jean” came into favor and, though I wanted to, I didn’t think I could pull them off, and not only because I didn’t have a boyfriend. I’m short and I have hips and a butt and thighs and all of that feminine stuff, so whenever I tried on boyfriend jeans, I looked…stout. I finally found a pair from J. Crew that were slim enough to look good on me, and I loved them and wore them out, but they definitely weren’t the most flattering jeans I’ve ever owned.
Probably because they didn’t have a high waist. When I was in high school, Britney Spears was walking around in low-rise flares with her thong out, and though I never wore thongs (AND I NEVER WILL), I did wear my jeans down around my hips like a fucking idiot. Nowadays, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of jeans that didn’t graze my ribs. There’s no such thing as a rise too high. I want jeans so high they double as a strapless bra. I want jeans so high they’re hooded.
I had been devoted to high-rise skinny jeans (from Madewell, always) for years when I started to read about this new cut from Levi’s called the Wedgie. They were vintage-inspired and supposedly designed with the ass in mind. Unfortunately, I found out about them after Kylie Jenner had posted a photo of herself wearing them in Instagram, so they were sold out everywhere.
Still, I was determined to try them, so I went to a Levi’s store and did one of the bravest things I’ve ever done in my life: I tried on white jeans (every other color was sold out). I was…underwhelmed, but I couldn’t tell if it was just because white jeans only look good on classroom skeletons. However, a friend of mine tried on a on pair of blue Wedgies and was similarly underwhelmed.
Fast forward a year and change and we both have about five pairs of Wedgies. Why? Because, strange first impressions aside, they. are. MAGIC. Because they’re the most flattering pants I’ve ever put on my body. I’ve never gotten so many compliments in my life and, more specifically, have never had so many of my girlfriends tell me how great my ass looks. They’re the rare jeans that fit around my butt without gaping at the waist. They’re high and tight and flattering up top, then relaxed through the leg. They look like the jeans Kyra Sedgwick wore in “Singles,” only better.
I have them in black, dark blue, light blue, medium-blue and I just got another pair that I think might be my favorite of all. They’re a little wider in the leg and cropped, which is great for me because, even though I prefer to roll up my jeans a little, everything is always way to long for me.
Since I started wearing Wedgies, my sister has bought two pairs and several of my girlfriends have bought their own. They look amazing on everyone. They’re so flattering, comfortable and easy to wear. They’re the magic pants from “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” except we all probably have them in different sizes because this isn’t a movie — it’s real life, bitch.
They’re perfect. Buy them. NOW! You too deserve to have an ass that looks so high and tight it inspires all your friends to participate in capitalism!
As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it except the joy of writing about the pair of jeans that changed my entire fucking life. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, Wedgies or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!