Social media is all about branding, but figuring out your personal brand can be difficult. Shouldn’t you just be yourself, you may ask? Wow, you’re an old ass moron, grandpa. In the internet era, everyone is performing an identity online, and different platforms call for different carefully-constructed personas.
While I figured out my Facebook presence (self-promotional monster) and my Twitter persona (bougie, narcissistic moron i.e. just being me!) ages ago, the one place I’ve been struggling to find an identity is Instagram — until now. I recently realized that I’ve been neglecting one key aspect of my personality, and that Instagram is the best place to showcase that side of myself. That’s why last week, I decided to rebrand myself and I’m excited to announce that on Instagram, I’m sexy now.
Last week, I posted an Instagram Story featuring several extremely sexy photos of myself. My inspiration for this rebrand is Florida Project star Bria Vinaite, whose very sexy Instagram earned her not only a role in a feature film playing a prostitute, but a date with Drake! Before you continue reading, I should warn you and Drake that you should only look at these pictures in a masturbation-friendly zone, because things are about to HEAT UP.
As you can see from this X-rated photo, I have a crotch now, and I’m proud to display it on social media. I’d like to clarify that I also have titties, which you may not be able to tell from this photo because I think it’s hot to leave literally everything to the imagination. I own only one low-cut top and the last time I wore it, I asked my sister if it was too revealing and she replied, “You’re too flat-chested for it to matter.” So even when I’m showing off everything I’ve got, you still have to imagine I have tits which, if we’re following the logic of imagining things being sexy is like, the sexiest.
Being a sexy Instagram model is a lot of pressure, but I’m up for the challenge — as long as I don’t have to take my sweatshirt off. The thing is, I only feel comfortable taking such incredibly salacious photos in the privacy of my own home, and when I’m at home, I’m in sweats period (.) end of story (and now for an actual sentence-ending period). However, I think this works in my favor because comfort is sexy.
Since I started being sexy, I’ve gained five new Instagram followers, then lost two, bringing my total up to an astounding 569 followers. I follow 665 people, but I’m well on my way to closing that gap and achieving a ratio that isn’t completely embarrassing by being, you guessed it, sexy. Follow me on Instagram for more super sexy content — if you can handle it.