I Adulted So Much I Literally Died Of Old Age

Look at me prepping the table all by myself #adulting!

Wow! Being an adult is crazy, amiright? It’s like, when did college end and DOING MY OWN laundry begin. But now it’s like I’m seriously adulting all the time — I pay taxes, I schedule my own doctor’s appointments, I use condoms, and the other day I literally died of old age. That’s nuts, right?

There’s really nothing quite like getting kicked off your parents’ health insurance to remind you that you’re not a kid anymore! It’s like whoa — hashtag ADULTING and it’s not as fun as TV makes it sound. Nothing’s quite that bad. Actually, one thing is quite that bad. If you get so old that you die just from being old and not because of any other reason, you’re an adult. Congratulations!

Here’s what happened. On Thursday I woke up, checked my Snapchat, looked to see if I had any dog walking jobs that day, and texted my one-night stand. Yeah- because I’m so grown up that my one-night stands and I talk after (he left his fidget spinner here I wanted to know if I could keep it). Then I felt a weird shooting pain in my liver. Did I drink too much the night before? Yes, but that wasn’t what was wrong with it. Could it be an STD? God, I hope so.

I texted my one-night stand again. And again. And then I was like “wow, I should be an #adult and get this checked out by a doctor.” So I got an UberPool to the ER. Fortunately, Thursday is my favorite day for podcasts, so it was fine that the UberPool first when to Staten Island then Bushwick then to the ER in Flushing, Queens. And when I finally got to the hospital- boy oh boy (or should I say “man oh man” or “old man oh old man”) was I shocked by what happened. They told me I was dying, and I was like “uhhhh why?” and they were like “liver failure, caused by old age,” and I was like “omg I am so grown-up #nofilter.”

It’s just kinda insane that I have all these friends who still go on vacation with their parents and eat ramen every night. I’m not like that, ok? I’m an adult. I’m too old for it to be cute when I fall asleep on the subway or laugh at homeless people. I got a real wake up call that I was NOT a child anymore when my liver gave out for basically no reason. The doctors were like “yeah, you’re 98, organs do that sometimes?” And I was like “omg #adulting can someone insta this?” And then I died!

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