Dear MaterniTee family,
We can guess how the recently announced breakthrough in motherless gestation technology has you feeling. You’re all probably feeling a bit surprised. Perhaps you’re also feeling somewhat pessimistic about our business model in the face of this new development, since our target market for maternity wear consists solely, obviously, of pregnant women. I am here to tell you that everything is going to be TOTALLY OKAY. The MaterniTee leadership team was up late last night hashing out our plan going forward, and we’d like you to know that everything is under control, and that we can all look forward to many more fruitful years together, helping pregnant women through what we view as some of the most wondrous and potentially most fashionable stretches of their lives.
First, I want to note that change takes time, so there is absolutely no need to freak out prematurely about our place in the market. The Model T got a lot of media attention when it came out too, but it was at least twenty or thirty years before cars had fully replaced horse-drawn buggies. The FruitSub made a huge splash when it was first invented, and the agro community definitely freaked out prematurely, but no biggie, people were eating normal dirt-based apples for at least fifteen years after that. And remember that cows didn’t go fully extinct until at least 7 or 8 years after McDonald’s announced it would begin using NoBoMeat in its patties.
What I’m trying to say is that MaterniTee is under no immediate threat — this new-fangled motherless technology is overhyped and in no way mass-market ready. American women will for the foreseeable future continue to get traditionally pregnant and buy our flexible and breathable yet stylish and flattering maternity wear, and we don’t want anybody impulsively cashing out their 401ks now or frantically Lens-scrolling through the local CityLink job listings during work hours — yes Margo, we all saw you scrolling yesterday during the MaterniTee Eastern sales call, but it’s okay, because we understand why you might have felt anxious.
We really don’t want anybody at MaterniTee feeling anxious. That’s why the MaterniTee leadership has drafted a three-step short-term plan to ensure that our business continues to thrive, but more importantly, that it continues to execute on its core mission of helping women be their most beautiful and comfortable selves during that very unique and special time which is pregnancy:
- As you’ve all already heard, the marketing team will be proceeding as scheduled with the launch of mass advert operation Family Glow. However, in light of recent developments, this time our message will be aimed at all women and men between ages 18 and 85, making it our biggest precision-targeted Lens-based advert-block-override campaign to date. You’ve seen the videos already — the chain of pregnancies stretching far back through the generations to poetically tie the mother to her daughter to her granddaughter, the appeal to tradition and family values, etc. In certain misguided circles, motherless gestation is being promoted as a boon to women, a technological triumph that will free women from the so-called “burden” of pregnancy. We are confident that our message will transcend these cold, clinical and dismissive assessments of one of life’s most incredible miracles, the nurturing, shape-shifting capabilities of women’s bodies, which we believe every mother ought to experience, in our innovative maternity wear.
- Second, we’ve gotten a few very happening celebrities on board with our cause, which is incredibly exciting. Christina Malone from We Were Millennials and the pro hoverboarder Zanka Peterson are just two of the names you might recognize. We’ve signed them on eye-popping contracts they frankly couldn’t refuse, and the long and short of it is that they’ve agreed to get themselves pregnant and help us premiere our newest lines of MaterniTeePowerWool™, MaterniTeeWorkout™ and MatriMatter™ at the MomBod conference this September. This is sure to give us a huge boost in sales through at least the 2057 Winter catalogue.
- Finally, we’d like to remind you that the MaterniTee board is quite well-connected, and that ultimately, good business is in large part about good connections. Though we absolutely don’t want to imply that any sort of strong-arming, backroom dealings or anti-competitive business practices might be going on, we do want to emphasize that the Senators currently heading the Family Planning Technologies subcommittee on the FDA oversight committee are up for re-election next Fall, and we also want to emphasize that MaterniTee has contributed in a fairly generous manner to their campaign coffers in past elections, especially that of Committee Lead Marius Madano. In short, you may rest assured in the knowledge that the relevant regulatory agencies will legislate justly and appropriately on the safety and legality of motherless gestation, doing what is best for our nation’s women, who all deserve the opportunity to glow and shine in our radiant, comfortable and form-fitting maternity wear.
Please feel free to approach anybody on the leadership team if you still have any doubts about MaterniTee’s position in the maternity wear industry, though I hope I have assuaged any fears you may have had about our future as a progressive, feminist fashion juggernaut striving to empower women.
CEO and Co-founder, MaterniTee