Honey, I just want to tell you I love you. And I really believe we can weather any storm together. There’s no other woman I’d rather be with on a Megabus. And I just need to let you know — I love you. Would you make me the luckiest man alive and do me the honor of being my wife?
Wow, you would?! I’m the luckiest bastard in the world! There’s no way this moment could get any better. Well, maybe if we weren’t on a Megabus. It would be nice to be either stationary or on any other format of transportation. I’d love to consummate this engagement right here right now in the Megabus bathroom, but the lock doesn’t work, I learned, when I saw that guy’s dongle. Don’t worry, sweetheart — it’s smaller than mine. You made the right choice.
On our ten-minute break at a McDonalds, I’m going to buy you the most expensive thing on the menu: The Cajun Caesar Salad. Because you’re the love of my life, and I’d do anything to be with you. And after I order it, I will chivalrously stand in line for the bathroom so you can use their toilets, with toilet paper. Unless you want to use the toilet here, which I can see you being brave enough to try, because you’re the strong, bold, fearless woman I fell in love with.
It’s so nice to really be here in the moment with you. The moment I proposed to you: my future wife. It’s especially easy to stay in the moment because the wifi is extremely sporadic. In fact, everyone else on this bus is here in the moment with us. Hi, friends. I’m sorry all of your cars broke down/were too expensive. I’m glad we got to entertain you, fellow passengers. And Nate, I’m sorry I knocked my head into your crotch and spilled your diet coke when I got down on one knee. But I’m sure you understand — I had to do this the classy way.
My love, last month, I asked your father for your hand in marriage. And he said yes. He said ‘Ben, there’s no one I’d rather see marry my little girl.’ And then I asked if he had recommendations for how to propose, and he said “there’s no wrong way to ask a woman to marry you.” So, blame him. He did give me your grandmother’s ring. It’s worth about $17,000 — oh, did it fall into the toilet? That’s too bad. No, under no circumstances am I going to dig it out for you. Girl, you got another thing coming if you think I’d EVER do that.
I promise to make you happy forever. I’ll see you through every obstacle: illness, financial struggles, problems with the kids, being on a Megabus. Together, we can do anything. We could make it through a Megabus trip every day if we have each other. Of course, I’m not suggesting that we do that, but I’m just saying, we could. I love you.