Ring ring, calling all malicious women! Yeah, admit it. You’re a year into your painfully heteronormative relationship with a “stable dude” and you’ve become, a monster. I mean sure, he’s the first non man-child you’ve ever dated. He’s not like that sculptor who got in a motorcycle accident or that flautist with a cocaine problem, or worse yet, that tattooed squatter who busted out haikus on the street for cash (best sex of your life). He’s got an apartment with a washer dryer in the financial district and his roommates are “stand up guys” he met back in his Phi Delta Crappa U of Something frat days. He’s got an Patrick Batemanesque closet of white button downs and never skips a leg day. He makes bank at an insurance company doing god knows what with data and digits and your dad worships him. For your birthday, he got you some Zales studs and a Hallmark card signed “Best, Brian.” Die Hard is hands down his favorite movie and according to him Catcher in the Rye is also pretty dope. So yeah, he’s marriage material.
But, the question stands. Why do you constantly act like a frigid bitch around him? You roll your eyes at his work stories. You steal his nightstand cash. You flirt with his roommates in front of him. You claim to have a “month-long period.” You cringe at his touch, and because of you, your sex life is nonexistent! What is WRONG with you? Why are you a venomous beast of a woman to a man that is straight up benevolent? Maybe it’s because you’ve realized that your dude, with all his vanilla ducks in a row, is actually BORING AF!
Andddd because… you’re a masochist. But that’s beside the point. The urgent query still stands. How the heck will you spice up your sex life with this dude that’s going to be an excellent father? One option: ROLE-PLAY! But ditch the cliche scenes of him as the rude cop and you as the sensual prostitute, or you as the beach siren and him as the starving seafarer. In order to bring the heat, you both must fundamentally betray who you are as people. Pretend you’re meeting for the first time. During the interaction, you must pretend to be nice, and he must pretend to be interesting. Straight dudes LOVE a kind woman. And heck, they should, and you, lady, should enjoy being kind, you sociopath you! But even though a Rory Gilmore type sweetness is a bit of a stretch for you, don’t doubt your ability to transform your personality for a night of fiery lovemaking. As for him, tell him to amp up what he does for a living. Although he’ll never measure up to your couch-surfing ex who sells 3-D self portraits made of gluten free pasta on Etsy, he can at least claim he’s got a dark past and is presently involved in some kind of white collar crime. Say the two of you meet at a bar. The scene could go something like this.
(all phrases said by you in a 1960s- esque, dulcet tone, think Lauren Bacall on sedatives)
(all phrases by him said with a rugged, deep timbre, think James Earl Jones in his late twenties)
You: I absolutely adore your suit.
Him: I got it with money I laundered.
You: What!? I didn’t know I was at a bar with a…genius.
Him: Guilty as charged.
You: (laugh hysterically, grab his arm for a moment) You are hilarious.
Him: When you’ve had a gun to your head, you’ve just gotta laugh.
You: A GUN? That’s so… sexy.
Him: You’re sweet. Can I get you a drink?
You: I’ll have what my hero’s having. (wink) That’s you.
Him: A seltzer?
You: Are you sober?
Him: Recovering addict.
You: Wow, heroin?
Him: (nods solemnly) Black tar.
You: Wow! You’re soooo bad. Do you miss it?
Him: (stares deep into your eyes) Not right now.
At this point, you’ve been so complimentary that he should be fully erect. As for you, you’re with a money laundering, sober, albeit cliche, white collar criminal. It’s safe to say you’re soaking wet. Should you guys go home to his apartment and bang? Or maybe just get it over with in the bar bathroom? This guy is SUCH a bad influence and you are SO sweet that the sex will no doubt be mind-blowing. Hopefully you’ve forgotten the real you (a nagging she-devil) and the real him (a monotonous dud) and will have fully embraced your new identities. Nothing says GOOD SEX like abandoning all of your natural instincts. Happy role-playing!