I’ve been unemployed for over a year now, by which I mean I work all day and night as a writer and comedian but make no money for either job. Since I’m an adult with no spouse or children or even a pet (though I do have a plant!), people often ask me this question: “What the fuck do you do all day?” (the fuck is silent but implied).
Though questions give me an opportunity to engage in my very favorite past time — talking about myself — I’m sick of answering this particular query because I always feel like I have to prove to my questioner that I’m very busy, which I am, OK? Thus, I’m going to provide my answer for the very last time right here so that in the future, when asked what (the fuck) I do all day, I can both avoid verbally answering this question and force people to read my website lol.
8:30 a.m. I wake up to the blaring sound of my alarm.
9:00 a.m. I get out of bed, drink coffee and make a smoothie (I’m healthy!).
9:15 a.m. I refresh Twitter for 15–30 minutes.
9:45 a.m. I go to Pilates.
11:00 a.m. I go grocery shopping. Yes, every single day. I shop at 3–8 different grocery stores a week, depending on what I need MOSTLY TO SAVE MONEY SO DON’T JUDGE ME.
11:30 a.m. I shower.
12:00 p.m. I refresh Twitter for 15–30 minutes.
12:30 p.m. I apologize to Ginny for running behind yet again. She says, “It’s fine!”
1:00 p.m. I tweet about this very website!
1:30 p.m. My sister comes home (she works nearby). I make lunch, usually scrambled eggs over gluten-free avocado toast because I. am. a. MONSTER. We talk for 1.5 hours.
3:00 p.m. I refresh Twitter for 10–15 minutes.
3:15 p.m. It’s time to clean!
3:30 p.m. I remember I need to make a doctor’s appointment, then immediately forget.
3:45 p.m. I refresh Twitter for 10–15 minutes.
4:00 p.m. If I’m not going to write, I should at least go to an open mic.
4:10 p.m. I get ready to go to an open mic, then realize since I’m camera-ready, I might as well film a quick Instagram story first.
5:00 p.m. Finally satisfied with my Instagram story, I post it.
5:05 p.m. I refresh Twitter.
5:15 p.m. I start writing.
5:20 p.m. I check the views on my Instagram story.
5:25 p.m. I refresh Twitter.
5:30 p.m. Shit, now I actually have to go to an open mic.
5:45 p.m. I spend the entire train ride checking the views on my Instagram story.
6:00 p.m. I wait 2 hours to do 2 minutes of stand-up comedy at an open mic. While waiting, I check the views on my Instagram story every 3–10 minutes and refresh Twitter every 5–10 minutes, just in case.
8:00 p.m. I perform on a stand-up comedy show, not to brag. There are 3 people in the audience.
9:30 p.m. I head home, exhausted from another busy day. I spend the entire train ride neglecting my book and instead refreshing Twitter and checking the views on my Instagram story.
10:00 p.m. I get home, eat dinner, watch “Siesta Key” and check the views on my Instagram story, exhausted from another busy day.
11:15 p.m. I refresh Twitter, just in case, check the views on my Instagram story and go to bed, exhausted from another busy day!