Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Turtlenecks!

Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a window, wearing a turtleneck. Photo credit: Jennifer Walkowiak

If there’s one thing I wear this time of year, it’s turtlenecks. If there’s only one thing I wear this time of year, it’s turtlenecks. As soon as the temperature drops, it’s time to protect ya neck, girl. From the cold, I mean. Crime rates actually go down in cold weather, which I know because 18 people have told me that including, possibly, you. Thanks for the info!

My mother was devoted to turtlenecks. The second she felt a chill in the air, she put on one of the 20 identical turtlenecks she’d bought at Talbots and didn’t let anyone get so much as a glimpse of her neck until spring which, where we lived, didn’t even start until May.

My love of turtlenecks, however, is a recent development. Until a few years ago, I hated them, probably because my mother used to put me in big, dorky ones before I went skiing. Now I love big, dorky turtlenecks because my personal style falls somewhere between soccer mom and toddler who plays soccer and has a mom.

This one’s a bodysuit! I’ve been told it makes me look an acting teacher. Not an actor — an acting TEACHER. My feelings about that are portrayed in the photo.

This style evolution was motivated mostly by my move to Brooklyn, where dressing like your mom going for a brisk walk on a crisp fall day is a power move. The other reason for my brave new look was my realization that the sexiest thing a woman can do is cover as much skin as possible, according to me.

There was a time in my life (college) when I tried to have cleavage, but it was a futile effort, and I never felt comfortable not-actually-showing-off my goods in public. Still, every once in a while I’ll wear a low-cut shirt. The last time I wore a revealing top was a few weeks ago, and when I asked my sister if it was too low-cut, she looked and me and said bluntly, “You’re too flat-chested for anyone to care.” Ah family! The only people who aren’t afraid to tell you no one gives a shit about your little titties!

Guys like it when you show juuuust a sliver of neck lol is this even true idk

If I’m being honest (which I always am), part of my love affair with t-necks stems from the fact that I’m getting…older (for a teenager! Honestly!). I mean, I look great, but every once in a while, especially this time of year when the air is dry as hell (hell is dry, I assume, because of all the fire), I catch a glimpse of my neck and have this horrifying thought: “Richard Fish would fuck my neck.” If you don’t know who Richard Fish is, congratulations on being very young! He’s a character from my dad’s favorite show “Ally McBeal,” and he’s into necks that could most generously be described as…loose. Every time I have this thought, I want to bike to the top of the Manhattan Bridge and jump off of it. Which reminds me — turtlenecks are essential for cold weather biking. Even a thin one makes a huge difference!

Not a turtleneck, not not a turtleneck

My motto is: the higher the neck, the better! Therefore most of my t-shirts are borderline turtlenecks, like the one pictured above. My other motto is: being warm is really nice! Therefore, I’ll be proudly wearing a t-neck until spring, so for like four more months lol 😩 🔫.

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it except the incredibly rewarding experience of listening to Whitney Houston while writing about turtlenecks. (It was also interesting to see how I look in different lighting because I’m vain!) Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, whether it’ll cover my loose neck or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!

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