Hello! So happy you’ve considered a membership at the Body Positive Gym. We’re here to make you feel better about your body. We’re going to teach you to love yourself. We’re going to show you that your body is perfect and wonderful! By making it perfect and wonderful, according to conventional beauty standards.
Here at the Body Positive Gym, we want you to love the least desirable parts of you, like your thighs. However, upon closer inspection, it’s literally impossible to believe that anyone could love your current thighs, so we’ll have you do squats until you have a thigh gap. And then you can love your better, improved, conventionally perfect thighs. Because we support body positivity.
It’s so hard in today’s society to love your body. We see images in the media of size 0 women and are taught that that’s the way women ‘should’ look. Because it is. Women should be a size 0. And we can get you to that, here at the Body Positive Gym, where you’ll exercise so much you literally don’t have the energy to hate your body anymore. Because your body is now conventionally perfect. And remember — having a perfect body isn’t just about you. It’s about the men who have to look at you all day. Think of how much good losing 8 lbs will do the rest of the world.
Do you already like yourself the way you are? Don’t worry — we can help you with that. We’ll subject you to hours of scrutiny by generically attractive men while you watch America’s Top Model. Then we’ll have you try on your prom dress to remember that it no longer fits. Were you fat in high school? If so, you’re not welcome here. This gym is for people who are and have always been cool.
Membership in this gym costs $350/week and your first born child. Not sure you want to have kids? Don’t worry — after a month at the Body Positive Gym you’ll realize you have such amazing genes that you must have children.
Now let’s get to loving your body!