Texts I’ve Received After First Dates That Made Me Think “I Wish You’d Just Ghosted Me.”


  • I just don’t really see this going anywhere because I don’t like you.
  • What’s your venmo handle?
  • I’m sorry, you remind me too much of my ex who I hated and thought was ugly.
  • I’m not looking to date right now. I should never have downloaded 8 dating apps and matched with you on all of them.
  • Do you really think your Tinder pictures are accurate?
  • What’s your social security number?
  • Our date was fun but I’m looking for someone a little bit smarter than you.
  • I think I left my condom up your anus.
  • We should get coffee again at an indeterminate time in the distant future after I see how my next 8 Bumble dates go
  • Can you introduce me to your friend Kate?
  • Can you introduce me to your sister?
  • Hahah no the date was not fun. She was lame and unattractive and talked about pigeons the whole time. Oh shit — wrong message. That was for my friend Paul. Regarding, uhh, my kid’s nanny. Nice to meet you!
  • Do you need a dog walker?
  • Would you be willing to help me study for the LSAT for free?
  • Haha, are you also getting cold sores?
  • Want to come to my improv show Friday?

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