You Have Some Great Soap In There, Which I Definitely Didn’t Use Just Now When I Took a Shower In…


Thanks for letting me use your shower! Your water must be aromatic or something, because I smell like lavender — specifically like Dr. Bronner’s Pure-Castile Lavender Soap, which I definitely didn’t use, by the way. That’s your Dr. Bronner’s in there, right? It’s great, I’ve used it before. At home. Not here in your shower, of course. I just did a quick rinse.

Yes, quick rinses for me take about forty-five minutes.

There’s just something special about the feeling of minimizing pores and drying up oily skin. You know what it’s like? It’s sort of like how you might feel after putting on Kiehl’s Since 1851 Blue Astringent Herbal Lotion. Have you ever tried that product?

Oh, wait. I just realized I saw that exact astringent on the second shelf of your shower caddy. The label was facing the shower curtain, which is where it’s probably still facing, since it hasn’t been touched.

Yes, I do have a photographic memory. But I’m also just photogenic in general. You’ll notice that my face appears to be glowing, as if I just applied a modest coating of Crème de la Mer. Of course I didn’t because I can’t afford Crème de la Mer. It’s almost $200 for a 1oz bottle — like, who can afford that? You’d run out in a week!

Which, by the way, you did. The bottle felt empty so I did you the favor of throwing it away.

I do have to confess something, though it’s more of a organization issue than anything I did on purpose. Your Living Proof No Frizz Shampoo & Conditioner bottles, it’s dangerous to have them that high up. As I was rinsing, I hit my head against the shower caddy. The shampoo bottle fell on top of my head and got shampoo all over my hair.

After getting the shampoo out, I leaned over to pick up the bottle, and on the way back up, wouldn’t you believe it, I slipped and fell backwards against the shower caddy, sending the conditioner bottle (and about a quarter-size blob of the conditioner itself) flying.

Before you get worried, I’m fine. My head doesn’t hurt, and, ironically enough, my hair looks fabulous. But maybe consider putting your Living Proof No Frizz Shampoo & Conditioner on a different shelf, because the arrangement you have right now isn’t what I’d call user-friendly.

Regardless of all that, I really do feel much better. Sometimes all you need is a little rinse, you know?

Before I head out, by the way, do you think you have a dress I could borrow for tonight? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. In fact, the less fancy the better.

Oh, I know. How about the dress from Anthropologie? Obviously I’ll give it back to you. I’ll bring it with me on Friday when I come to your fiancé’s surprise party!

You did say he has a washer and dryer, right?

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