My Top Ten Dream Jobs


  1. A cab driver whose car is doorless and roofless and my only customer is my five-year-old self.
  2. A lifeguard at a local swimming pool that has no water, instead it is filled with televisions and Diane Keaton swims among them.
  3. The driver of a bus filled with eels wearing raincoats.
  4. The maid in a house that dangles off a cliff and is furnished with nothing but red cubes.
  5. A schoolteacher whose class consists of mice wearing tiny vests and one very small Randy Quaid.
  6. Working the concession stand at a movie theater that’s showing Rebel Without a Cause featuring an all star cast of chihuahuas.
  7. A cashier at a store where I don’t know what I’m selling and the only customer, Jimmy Smits, keeps saying he remembers me when I was young.
  8. A nurse that rides a razor scooter up to her patients, gives them shots of jello then rides away.
  9. A receptionist at an office that appears to be an advertising firm but no one does any work; they just sit on top of their desks playing with their pet Condors all day.
  10. A cook in a restaurant that serves one steaming bowl of sauceless spaghetti to Barbara Streisand and one German diplomat, every hour on the hour.

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