Letters I Wrote Home About The Girl Whose Body Was Nothing To Write Home About


Dear Mom and Dad,

College is great so far! I love my roommate. All my classes are easy, and I don’t have to wake up until 10am! Also, I met this girl in my Ethics seminar. I think she’s really cute, but her body is nothing to write home about, so I can’t tell you anything else. I hope the mailman gets this to you by Wednesday!

Love,

Billy

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s almost time for midterms! I hope I’m ready. Things are starting to heat up with me and the girl from my Ethics class. I wish I could describe to you how good the sex was, but her body’s nothing to write home about, so I won’t write anything more. The dining hall food sucks — I miss your lasagna.

Love,

Billy

Dear Mom and Dad,

I went to my first football game. Go Printing Press! That’s our team name. Do you think before Gutenberg invented it, he dated a girl whose body was nothing to scribe home about? Nah, he was probably a ladies man. Anyway, are you coming for parents weekend? If so, maybe you can meet this girl in person. Seriously, I want to tell you more about her, but I feel restricted because, no, she’s not like Jessica Alba-hot. As I’ve said before, her body is nothing to write home about.

Love,

Billy

Dear Mom and Dad,

Yes, she’s officially my girlfriend. Why did you tell everyone? Now Grandma wants me to send a postcard to her with a picture of us, and, as I’ve told you 100 times, her body is nothing to write home about! I got a C- on my ethics midterm. If Jessica Alba went to college with me, everyone would handwrite letters home to their parents every week.

Love (but still angry),

Billy

Dear Mom and Dad,

I can’t believe you think I hate my girlfriend’s body! I love her body! It’s just not specifically anything to write home about. Don’t get me wrong — I talk about it all the time, I’m just not sure it’s worth the 42 cents in postage. Also, I guess you’re right — I didn’t tell you that one HUNDRED times, I only said it 4 times. To be fair, I send way more letters home than any other college student with a Wifi connection. Also, I lied earlier. I like the dining halls more than your cooking. Thanks for the candy I guess.

Not-love,

Billy

Dear Mom and Dad,

Sorry for being mad earlier. I’m having a rough time. The girl-whose-body-is-nothing-to-write-home-about and I got in a fight. She says I take common expressions too literally! Can you believe that? I asked if she’d write my Ethics paper for me (on account of the C-), and she said “when pigs fly,” and I said “actually, some people take teacup pigs on planes as service animals.” Then she stormed off! Women are crazy. Send more candy.

Love,

Billy

RE: How’s college?

Hey Mom and Dad — I’m really glad we switched to email. Now I can tell you more about Stacy’s body, and put everyone’s mind at ease. Her body’s nothing to write home about, but it could be something to type home about, right? Anyway, she’s about 5’5”. Her left breast is slightly larger than her right. She’s an inny. That’s all I really know about her body (now you can see why it’s nothing to write home about). We made up after the last fight. I think we’re in love.

Billy

@momanddad Stacy said yes!! We’re getting married in July. Here’s a picture of her #hot #body #somethingtotweethomeabout

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