Here’s Something I Like (Not that Anyone Asked): Very Specific Things From The Gap

Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

All dressed up and ready to sweat!

Yeah, I’ve been working out — thanks for noticing! No but seriously, I do work out, usually looking exactly as put-together as I do above.

Until recently, I wore old, stained, ratty t-shirts and shorts to the gym, or leggings I’d had so long they were filled with holes. Now I wear old, stained, ratty t-shirts and nice, comfortable, completely intact leggings I bought from the Gap. What a difference $40 can make!

When it comes to dressing for the gym, my philosophy has always been: I’m here to look good…later. So for years I wore t-shirts with such bad pit stains my own father told me I was disgusting. I wore the same three pairs of shorts for close to a decade, even though by the end I had to tie them tightly around my waist so they didn’t fall down to my ankles while I ran on the treadmill. Every time I thought about buying new gym clothes, I decided I’d rather spend the money on real clothes instead. Then I discovered GapFit and realized I didn’t have to spend a lot of money to get suitable gym clothes.

Definitely not my thighs lol! I have these leggings in a different print though, and am probably going to buy these exact ones right now because they’re so cute and are on sale for $39.20!

GapFit is fucking great. They make cheap, quality leggings, sports bras, etc. although to be honest, I’ve only bought their leggings because the idea of buying new sports bras when I have perfectly good ones from middle school seems crazy. That’s right — my middle school bras, the one article of clothing from your youth you don’t want to still fit you — still fit!

I don’t know why it took me so long to rediscover the Gap because I grew up shopping there. In fact, I grew up only shopping there. There’s a mall near my hometown, although at this point so many stores have closed it feels more accurate to call it a Target with a huge parking lot. When I was growing up, you either had to shop in person or order from a catalogue over the fucking PHONE, which is downright crazy to think about considering now, the only time I go to a store is when I need to return something I bought online. Anyway, my point is not only did I grow up shopping at the Gap, I grew up only shopping at the Gap because it was the only fashionable store in the mall. Well, that’s not entirely true — I still remember how excited I was when a PacSun opened, until I realized I didn’t exactly have the body of a chill skater girl.

At some point I got sick of the Gap and stopped shopping there. A few years ago, however, on a recommendation from a friend (comedy and shopping genius Alison Leiby), I decided to buy some underwear from the Gap. OK, this is where things get really embarrassing. At that point in my life, having decided I no longer wanted to shop at Victoria’s Secret like a sexy preteen, I had started buying my underwear from Target. And not like, the cute, individually-sold underwear they have: I was buying Hanes cotton briefs in bulk, 1–3 sizes too big. Once I was home visiting my dad and he took my laundry out of the dryer (yeah, I still bring laundry home, I live in New York City DON’T JUDGE ME) and, a few minutes later, he walked into the living room with a pair of my underwear and said, “These are so big they wouldn’t fit me.”

I had given up, but eventually I realized that I’m still a young woman with a primo pussy, and I should dress it accordingly. So, at Alison’s urging, I spent a whopping $40 on like 15 pairs of underwear. I got a bunch of stretch cotton bikinis and hipsters (did you think I was going to say I got thongs? LOLOLOLOL!) and not only were they cute, they were comfortable even though they actually fit my body. It was a revelation!

These are currently $5.60! I don’t have this print but it looks like the wallpaper in my childhood home.

I wear this totally presentable and not at all embarrassing underwear while working out all the time and never get wedgies — it’s a miracle! I don’t think my panty lines (UGH sorry, I hate that word but it turns out it’s impossible to write about underwear without calling it that at least once) show through jeans, but honestly I don’t care if they do. I want people to not only know I’m wearing underwear, but that it’s cute, comfortable and affordable!

So anyway…the Gap is good! Or at least GapBody and GapFit are good. To be honest I haven’t bought real clothes from the store in over a decade. One more good thing about GapFit: they have a little logo which looks, to morons like me, exactly like the Lululemon logo. So if you wear clothes from GapFit, idiots may think you’re wearing much fancier, more expensive clothing!

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares about my underwear or what I wear to the gym. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, whether or not it’s from the Gap, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!

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