Inappropriate Messages: You messaged me saying “hey Barbie Doll, how’s it going?” I have no idea how you got my last name, honestly, and it creeps me out. Also, ‘how’s it going?’ Come up with a more original opening line or get out of my life forever.
Inappropriate Photos: I didn’t want to see your penis this early in to the relationship, or ever. Also, your friends are all hotter than you are, and that feels dishonest and probably illegal.
Feels Like Spam: We matched on Hinge already, so your profile must be fake. Also, you’re using Tinder to advertise your personal training business. I know I use Tinder to advertise my writing, but I find what you’re doing way more offensive because I hate exercise.
Other: Woowee, this could take a while. 1. You’re unattractive. 2. You’re rude. 3. You asked me out immediately. 4. Your first date suggestion was your own apartment. 5. We’ve already hooked up. 6. We work together. 7. You appear to be strangling a dog in that one photo. 8. No face pictures. 8. No body pictures. 9. No pictures. 10. You confuse ‘weather’ and ‘whether’ in your bio. 11. You called me ‘mama.’ 12. You work in finance. 13. You work in tech. 14. You’re a doctor but not a brave kind, like maybe a dentist or you look at buttholes. 15. You don’t work. 16. You seem to live 300 miles away. 17. You seem to already have a girlfriend. 18. Your ex is really hot. 19. Your ex is ugly. 20. Your ex is in your photos — get her out of there. 21. You say you’re ‘not looking for anything serious.’ 22. You say you’re ‘definitely looking for something serious.’ 23. I have acid reflux right now, can’t talk.