New York Woman Realizes Source Of Low-Grade Depression Was Winter After All


FORT GREENE, BROOKLYN — A local woman who frequently refers to herself as “not like other girls” just realized she’s spent the past few months suffering from the winter blues, just like other girls. Sources say the woman can often be heard saying, “I actually like winter, probably because I used to be a ski racer, so for me it was always an outdoor season” in a self-congratulatory tone. Now in her 30s, however, the Brooklyn resident spends as little time as possible outdoors in the winter, leaving those who know her to wonder: like what is she even talking about anymore?

“She does this every year,” says one friend who asked to remain anonymous. “She goes on and on about how she loves seasons, and says winter gives her a chance to to recharge, but by mid-February, like all of us, she can’t even leave her apartment.”

“I’ve tried to point it out to her,” says another friend who also asked to remain anonymous. “But she gets so defensive and starts going on and on about how winter in New York is nothing compared to winter where she grew up, which is only like three hours north, by the way. It’s like she thinks she’s better than everyone even though she’s spent just as many entire days watching random British teen shows on Netflix as the rest of us have lately.”

Friends and family, all of whom asked to remain anonymous, say the woman finally admitted she suffers from seasonal depression on Tuesday, when it was 65 degrees and sunny. According to one source, who asked to remain anonymous, she said, “I didn’t even realize it until now, but I think the weather has really been affecting my mood. Now that it’s nice out, I’m like, so much happier all of a sudden. Especially because I can ride my bike again!”

“Oh God, she’s going to start going on and on about how much she loves biking again,” says a family member who asked to remain anonymous. “I just cannot with her and the biking. Like, we get it, you enjoy riding a fucking bicycle. So do most 10-year-olds.” Says a close friend, who also asked to remain anonymous, “Fuck, I don’t know what’s more annoying — listening to her go on and on about how much she likes winter or how much she loves biking. I’m like oh my God, can we just talk about the fucking Kardashians or something? Jesus.”

With temperatures expected to drop by the weekend, many expect the woman to get super bummed out again. “At least she’ll be aware of why this time, but I’m still not looking forward to hearing about it,” says a friend who asked to remain anonymous. “I just don’t get why she can’t admit that winter sucks in December, like everyone else in New York. It’s like she’s trying to be different.”

“Oh, it’s all about her trying to be different,” says another friend who also asked to remain anonymous. “But she wears ‘vintage’ Levi’s and drinks kombucha and composts just like every other person in Brooklyn. I mean, she’s almost done making her second web series and I’m like, you honestly think you’re different? You’re like literally everyone else in the neighborhood, including the fact that you get super depressed in the winter.”

With spring still at least a month away, will the woman ever admit that she has low-grade seasonal depression, just like almost every other living human? “Yeah, she’ll admit it every fucking February,” says yet another friend who also asked to remain anonymous. “But by November, she’ll forget again and start going on and on about how much she loves winter. It’s exhausting — almost as exhausting as when the weather gets nicer and she starts biking again and won’t shut the fuck up about that.”

We reached out for the woman for comment, but she was evidently too depressed to respond. A friend, who asked to remain anonymous, told us to expect to hear from her in a month or so, and to expect her response to be all about how much happier she is now that she’s riding her bike again. “Ugh,” the friend added. “I can’t even.”

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