Reasons Your Bag Needs A Seat More Than I Do

  • Your bag has been on this bus longer than I have, and it’s exhausted.
  • Your bag sprained its ankle. Ok, well, bags can’t really sprain ankles, but it got coffee spilt on it, which is possibly worse although it makes a less convincing excuse.
  • Your bag is taking up less space sitting than it would be standing. I mean, this is fair, except it would probably take up even less space if it sat on your lap. Or, like, if you didn’t have a bag. What are pockets for?
  • Your bag assumes I’m getting off at the next stop, which is a fair assumption because I’d rather just walk than watch a bag take up a seat that could be mine. Also, it’s 72 degrees in February.
  • Your bag is pregnant. You should see how fast the tissues are growing at the bottom of it.
  • Your bag is over the age of 60. Well, in bag years, which means you’ve had it for 8 months. So obviously it’s out of style, which I was kind enough to not point out.
  • Your bag fought in the war, ok, so I need to stop complaining! And by war, of course, I mean it viciously came between you and another woman at the Louis Vuitton sale last year.
  • Your bag is actually kind of a celebrity. Do we give up seats on the bus for celebrities? Trick question — celebrities don’t take the bus. Although I once thought I saw Jake Gyllenhaal on the subway, but it was actually just another insanely good-looking man.
  • Your bag is sorry because it didn’t notice the mother staring intensely at it while she tried to keep her 3-year-old daughter from falling over. Your bag definitely would have offered up its seat to the small child if it had known, but it doesn’t have eyes, because it’s a bag.
  • Your bag just doesn’t really care about the rest of society. No one has ever shown any respect to your bag, so why should it give back?
  • Your bag doesn’t obey any social construct, because it’s a bag. But you’re not a bag, so fuck you.

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