I recently spent three weeks living in the West Village caring for a 13-year-old Terrier named Donnie. It was the first time in almost three years that I’d spent a significant amount of time away from my apartment, since I went on a spiritual, severance-funded three week quest to South America. Though these may sound like drastically different experiences, guess what: they weren’t!

DID I SLEEP ON A FUTON?
Dogsitting: Yes.
South America: Yes. Several, actually.

WAS IT FUCKING COLD?
Dogsitting: Yes.
South America: Yes, but only in the Bolivian desert and only at night.

DID I FEEL LIKE I SPENT ALL MY TIME ON THE TRAIN?
Dogsitting: Yes.
South America: No, I felt like I spent all my time on the bus.

DID I FALL IN LOVE?
Dogsitting: Yes (with Donnie).
South America: Yes (with Buenos Aires).

WAS MY LIVING SPACE HEATED?
Dogsitting: Sometimes.
South America: Sometimes.

WAS THERE HOT WATER?
Dogsitting: Sometimes.
South America: Sometimes.

DID I LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM A BUNCH OF FANCY BOUTIQUES?
Dogsitting: OMG so many!
South America: LOL no, I couldn’t afford to stay in nice neighborhoods.

WAS MY SISTER THERE?
Dogsitting: For a little while.
South America: For a little while.

WAS THE FOOD GOOD?
Dogsitting: Sometimes.
South America: Sometimes.

DID I MOSTLY EAT TRAIL MIX.
Dogsitting: Oh yeah.
South America: Oh yeah.

DID I GET SO VIOLENTLY ILL I ALMOST SHIT MY PANTS?
Dogsitting: No.
South America: Ohhh yes. Yes, yes, yes.

DID I EXERCISE?
Dogsitting: LOL no.
South America: LOLOL no.

DID I SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY?
Dogsitting: No.
South America: Um…yes.

DID I MAKE A BUNCH OF MONEY?
Dogsitting: Yes!
South America: Hell no.

DID AN OLD WOMAN WHO WORKED AT THE BAR ACROSS THE STREET OFFER ME A SHIRT SHE BOUGHT THAT DIDN’T FIT HER?
Dogsitting: Nope.
South America: Yup.

WAS I FORCED TO SHARE A ROOM WITH A GROUP OF TALL AUSTRALIANS WHO WOULDN’T EVEN SPEAK TO ME?
Dogsitting: No.
South America: Ugh yes.

DID I CONTINUE TO RUN INTO THE AUSTRALIANS IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND DID THEY PRETEND THEY DIDN’T KNOW ME?
Dogsitting: I don’t think so, but maybe I just didn’t recognize them.
South America: Fucking constantly.

DID I ALMOST GET ROBBED BY A COUPLE OF OLD WOMEN?
Dogsitting: Maybe?
South America: Yes, but I thwarted them!

WAS IT A WORTHWHILE JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY?
Dogsitting: Definitely.
South America: Definitely.

WAS I HAPPY TO GO HOME?
Dogsitting: Oh hell yeah.
South America: Oh hell yeah.