Hey, wow, thanks for casting me. I’m so excited to have any work, really. And it’s so great to see the story of my life brought to screen, by me. There’s just one problem — sorry, I take issue with this part of the script. Barry says “while ‘The Saw-kening’ was a critical failure, it was also a box office failure, due in part to your performance.” That doesn’t even make sense — it should be two contrasting things. Also, no one thought it was my fault that that movie was bad.
And why do I have to go into this meeting with an ‘inflated ego.’ Who told you my ego was inflated? My ego is just fine. I mean, you hired me to play myself in a biopic of me, but you’re not giving me any control over the script.
Ok, yeah, I know, I’m just an actor, clearly no writing chops here, but I’m acting in the story of my life! And I didn’t ask to do this, you called me — oh, really? My agent asked if I could be in this as a favor to him? Oh, I didn’t realize he also repped Reese Witherspoon. That must be new. Well, I’m glad you got her in your other film.
Well, anyway, I still think we should try to get the details of my life correct. I was a favorite for the Oscar in 1989, it was just a really tough year! Why am I playing the antagonist anyway? It’s the story of my life! No — you know what — FUCK John Cusack. That was my role! He should be in my biopic!
Oh, really? They’re filming a biopic of John Cusack? MGM bought it? Have they cast the lead — do you think I could still audition?
When it this coming out in theaters, anyway? Oh, it’s straight to DVD? Oh…VHS. That’s cool too, I guess. Retro?