Instead Of Making Real Improvements, We The MTA Are Going To Spend A Bunch Of Money To Enable Some…

Beware — his phone is about to ring

Many New Yorkers have been complaining lately (and by lately we mean for the past several decades) about the obvious and troubling decline of the subway system. We the MTA would just like to say that we not only hear you, but understand your admittedly valid complaints. You’re frustrated because you got stuck in a tunnel on an F train with no air conditioning for a full hour and the man next to you was sweating so profusely he had to remove his shirt? That sucks. You’re angry because you had to wait for an L train on a packed platform for over an hour this morning, and by the end of that wait your toes were hanging over the edge of the tracks and the woman behind you was getting pushy and when that last train came, your life flashed before your eyes and you realized you’ve spent most of your life waiting for the subway? Fuck. We’re sorry, dude.

While many are pushing for us to replace broken cars, repair faulty tracks and update the ancient signal system, we don’t think that’s the answer. Instead, what we’re going to do is invest the money that could be used to make those totally “necessary” improvements to give that dude standing next to you wearing boat shoes and a polo cell service. That’s right — the next time you’re stuck underground for an indeterminate amount of time sweating and wondering if your boss is even going to believe you‘re late for the fourth time this week because of the subway, enjoy the dulcet tones of some dude named Ned fighting with his girlfriend about which of their friends they should share a Hamptons house with this summer.

As an added bonus, you’ll now be able to read the president’s tweets underground. That’s right — when you get to work an hour and a half late, you’ll be so stressed out about the state of the world you won’t be able to focus on the meeting the rest of the staff delayed so you could be present. You’re welcome!

Remember when you used to read on the subway? You don’t have to do that anymore! Now, instead of making a dent in that novel you’ve honestly really been enjoying, you can just refresh the views on your Instagram stories every 30 seconds and wonder if your ex decided to skip yours or if he just hasn’t been on Instagram yet today or if he’s finally moved on or if he moved on a long time ago and only watches your stories to remind himself how much happier he is without you. Enjoy!

The next time you’re trapped underground, please relax (as much as you can while standing shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers), unwind (or unravel — up to you!) and eavesdrop (can you call it that if he’s yelling?) on Thad’s conversation with his parents as he tries to convince them the extra money he needs this month is for rent and not his extremely obvious coke habit!

On a final note — they say what makes New York so unique is that you live in close proximity with people from different cultures and backgrounds, but we at the MTA think what truly makes New York special is how you’re forced to listen to people from different cultures and backgrounds have loud one-sided conversations on the 6 train, and also how you live in close proximity with trash. So if you think we’re going to clean up these trains, you’re crazy! The next time you walk into an empty subway car that smells like shit, sit down, take out your phone and inhale the magic of New York City, baby!

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