Times I Really Wanted My Teachers To Have Guns


Please note that this is just a selection of times I wanted my teachers to have guns. I’m sure I would have felt much safer day-to-day if they’d always been armed.

  • First day of kindergarten, 1996: Do you mean to tell me my parents are just going to LEAVE me here? I don’t know any of these people. What if something terrible happened? I’d feel a lot safer if the teacher were armed, you know.
  • Field day, 1999: Capture the flag? That sounds like a threat from the Russians. They want to take our flag! I wish Mr. Johnson had a gun right now, in case they try to capture our flag using like fake news or something.
  • Lunch, 2001: Katherine Barker told me my headband was ugly. What a cunt. Maybe if Katherine had known there was a possibility of me stealing my teacher’s gun and shooting her, she’d be a little bit NICER.
  • Art class, 2004: I got my period for the very first time. Right at the easel! I wished right then and there I could have asked Ms. Janson for her gun to aim right in my uterus and tell it to GET ITS SHIT TOGETHER. C’mon, you can’t just go bleeding out in the middle of the day! Maybe just the threat of violence would have been an adequate deterrrent.
  • Math class, 2006: It was my first class of the day, and I had a vicious pimple. If only my math teacher Ms. Lazio had been able to shoot an AK-15 right at my face to blast that shit right off of me. Everyone knows pooping pimples causes scars but shooting pimples off with a gun? We’re just not clear on the consequences.
  • After school, 2007: I went to an all-girls school, but sometimes boys loitered on our block. I felt unsafe in the presence of 15-year-old boys — what if one of them had a boner!? I wish the receptionist had carried a gun, just so these boys knew if their penises tried to do anything unsavory, he could TAKE CARE OF THEM.
  • Fall 2008: This is the fall that I was applying to colleges. I just think when the college representatives came to visit, we shoot have been able to threaten them with gun violence. This would have made me feel a lot safer AND would have increased my chances of getting into Harvard.
  • Graduation, 2009: I just feel like I peaked in high school so why not cut it all loose right at the end?

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