Congratulations, sir! You’ve just won karaoke! Yes, that’s right: out of all the people who have ever sang karaoke, you are the indisputable best. And since there’s nothing left for you to accomplish here, feel free to move on to something else!
Think about it: when someone gets the high score in an arcade game, do they keep playing that game and try to do better than they did previously, or do they go home, pick up a new hobby, and never come back to that arcade again? After all, it’s not quitting if you’re a winner. It’s “quinning.” Where do you think the word “queen” comes from?
Oh, right, your prize. Um, let’s see here. Oh! Congratulations, sir: you’ve won yourself a gift card to Dave & Buster’s with $24.39 left on it! The only stipulation is the gift card can only be used on Thursdays from 8pm to 11pm.
Ask yourself: where can you go from here? With all of your limitless potential, what challenge should you take on next? It can be something wildly different than karaoke! Podcasting, perhaps? Sobriety, maybe? Containing the misogynistic impulse to grope waitresses? I’d bet those last two go hand in hand!
Whatever it is, I’m positive you won’t find it here, as we only serve drinks and host karaoke on Thursdays from 8pm to 11pm. And you’ve already mastered those two things!
Consider this: you could even start hosting karaoke yourself. On Thursdays from 8pm to 11pm. Not here, of course. We already have a karaoke host and we like her a lot, plus we’d probably be facing a lawsuit if we fired Carrie and hired someone who’s been physically and verbally harassing her week after week to let him perform the entirety of Rap God by Eminem every time someone new walks through the door. We’ve made exceptions in the past, but from now on nobody will be allowed to pick that song, so thank you for that!
I want you to view this not as a suggestion, nor as a request, but as a specific instruction that will be met with dire consequences — stemming, of course, from our complete and total faith in your abilities.
Those abilities include, but are not limited to, 1) your skill in improvisation, most clearly demonstrated in your disregard for pre-written lyrics displayed on a screen only inches away from your face, 2) your determination, which time and time again you show when Carrie tries to take the microphone away from you, and 3) your ability to cry on command whenever a name that is not your own is called on to sing.
Furthermore, we’re considering limiting our selection of songs to a few difficult ones sung by women, which, yes, you have endeavored to do justice, but for the most part are entirely out of your vocal range. Of course, most songs are out of your vocal range, and that hasn’t stopped you before, but the songs we’re considering limiting our selection down to are all ones you hate, which you make sure to tell us any time someone goes up to sing them. For example, we want to hear more Barbie Girl! Really. We really do.
There are also apps such as musical.ly that you can use from home, which is mostly populated by teenage girls, but hey, that’s never stopped you before, has it? Though on second thought, I don’t want to be on record for condoning that. Did you know musical.ly isn’t a karaoke app at all, but a lip syncing app? Probably not what you’re looking for.
I know we have a couple of hours of karaoke left tonight, but you know what else is open right now? Dave & Buster’s. You haven’t won at Dave & Buster’s yet, have you? No? Well, why not give it a shot? I know you can do just about anything you set your mind to. In fact, that’s what scares me more than anything. Do you know what nightmares are made of? Just kidding, of course!
Make sure you post about your victories at Dave & Buster’s on social media, because we won’t be open to hear about it by the time you’re done! And again: congratulations, sir!