I Won’t Support Gun Reform Because, Like, Gross


As an elected official, I believe that every opinion, no matter its messenger, deserves to be heard, especially on gun control. But honestly, these theatre nerds are a bit freaky, right? Like the other day they were smiling for, like, three seconds? Gross. Like, WE GET IT, you’re using your platform as a survivor of a national tragedy to advocate for action to prevent something like it from happening again.

So, because some of the survivors of a mass shooting are, like, kinda weird, but not in a cool way, I refuse to take any steps toward reducing gun violence. Call it what it is: principled conservatism.

Also, like, I heard Alfonso Calderon got a B- in Algebra. I mean, that’s so bad. I’m pretty sure you learn about graphs in Algebra, and there are so many nonpartisan graphs about the exponential correlation between concentration of gun ownership and gun violence. Alfonso is probably, like, so freaked out right now. Does he even have a prom date?

And yes, Alfonso Calderon skipped ahead to take Algebra in 7th grade. And sure, that B- was only on a pop quiz, not his overall grade. And sure, I had to break SEVERAL child privacy laws to get that information. I, for one, never took Algebra. But I didn’t take Algebra because I knew my own strengths. Like President Trump, who knows he’s strong enough to stop a school shooter without a firearm and with bone spurs. That takes social smarts. And social smarts isn’t taught in Algebra. It’s taught at the NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action.

Among the outspoken survivors, it’s not just Alfonso who needs social smarts. One time, Julia Cordover stupidly broke the school dress code by wearing spaghetti straps! She had to borrow her friend’s sweater the rest of the day and it was so embarrassing. I would never stupidly break the spaghetti strap dress code, just as I would never break the Second Amendment.

Also, I hear that Emma Gonzalez totally messed up her Spring Awakening audition and yet she still got a lead role. This completely affirms my decision, as an adult elected official, to egg on hundreds of anonymous Twitter trolls to send death threats to her, an 18-year old school shooting survivor.

Oh, and this one time, David Hogg farted in gym class! It was so smelly everybody had to cover their noses. One of the students even started crying! This supports my well-reasoned legal argument that David Hogg is a fart sandwich and bump stocks cannot be regulated by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

Oh, and this other time, Cameron Kasky found a staple in his chicken finger at school. That has nothing to do with gun control, but it is super gross!

When it comes to gun control, we must separate emotions from smarts, the person from the argument, the NRA as a gun club from the NRA’s $5 million dollar lobbying campaign in 2017 alone, me from consequences for my inaction, and most importantly, Sarah Chadwick from Sam Zeif. I hear he totally likes her, but she’s just not that into him. Probably because she’s totally into running for office to unseat me one day, or whatever.

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