Behavior I Will Forgive In A Man If He Compliments Me Once


  • Lying.
  • Cheating.
  • Shitting audibly in a bathroom right behind the stage while I perform stand up comedy.
  • Not voting for Hillary Clinton in the GENERAL ELECTION because he #feelsthebern.
  • Telling me when he sees me that he thinks I’m cute and funny but then when I’m not around forgetting to text me literally ever even though we had great sex that one time.
  • Getting emotional about celebrity deaths on Twitter. But, like, every celebrity death. It’s fine if it’s your favorite celebrity, but do you really have an emotional connection to all of them? And if that’s true, why don’t you have more of an emotional connection to me??
  • Calling me his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex.
  • Calling me both of his ex-girlfriends’ names during sex, which doesn’t even make sense because whose name is Stephanie Stefanie?
  • Explaining that it didn’t matter whether or not he voted in the general election because he lived in California, as if I don’t know how the electoral college works.
  • Rescinding the one compliment he ever gave me.
  • Forgetting every personal piece of information I’ve ever told him because he’s never not high.
  • Eating my peanut butter.
  • Treason (is that still a thing?)
  • Calling me a narcissist for being so addicted to compliments.
  • Calling me insecure for being so addicted to compliments.
  • Telling me not once, not twice, but three times that maybe if the Democrats had elected a more likable (less female) candidate in the primaries, like, I don’t know, Bernie Sanders, then Trump wouldn’t be President right now.
  • Kicking my dog.

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